Day 4 Truth

I hate sleeping alone.
I still can’t remember any of the good memories. Maybe it’s for the best.
I am learning.
You’re still not off my mind.
How stupid could I be?
No… no… NO…. nO…. no no no no no. See? I can say it!
I am out of shape!

Today's Truths

This might be what growing up feels like.
No more playing invisible.
No more hypotheticals, what-ifs, coulda-woulda-shoulda’s.
I miss daily personal practice.
Being honest is a little scary, but feels oh so good once its over.
I will NOT read those stupid, stupid “essays.”
Oh so tired of pretending, so no more.

Live Your Truth

A friend today told me to "live your truth." Its a daunting idea when you sit down to think about it. And it got me thinking - what a great thing to practice! Then it hit me - uh, crap. What exactly is my truth? So this is the start of the journey to figure that out. For the next little while - maybe another 30 day challenge(?) I'll be posting "My Truths" for the day. Not sure how this will turn out, or if I'll keep it up - today sucked. But we'll see where this leads.

My Truth

Its all so very messy.
I will not waste, yes – waste, any more 11:11 wishes on you.
I want to hurt.
Know what I miss most about our relationship? The pain. Knowing I wasn’t good enough. I hate that.
I. Just. Want. To. Know. Why. Is that so fucking hard? Too much to ask for?
Sorry you, sorry me, sorry everything in between.
I have a terrible relationship with food.
I want to be swallowed up in love, but I am so not ready for it. Way too messy.
I want to fight.
I should have never let you lie.
I hate you.
I have the best mom in the world.
I love my tiny little car.
Holding a purring kitten up to my belly might just be the next best thing to a day of cuddling under the covers.
I cheated. Turns out the chocolate I was “missing so bad” really isn’t all that good. Go figure.

Thriving - day 14

Wow. Two weeks already!

First - a confession. This weekend I was bad. I picked up some GF oatmeal raisin cookies from my local awesome bakery. As I got home, I realized that in my bag of 4 cookies, two of them were chocolate chip. Gah! What’s a girl to do? So I deliberated, decided I would freeze them for later. And then I cracked and enjoyed them. Ugh. They were good, but not worth the self-imposed guilt of having “cheated”. And yesterday at a family gathering I was oh-so-good at - no coffee, no fresh right off the farm chickens my Grandpa raises, no salads with cheese - I had a merenge. I don’t even like them. And I really didn’t like that one. So… at two weeks - cheating isn’t worth it.

Today, after scouting the food court at the mall and finding… well… nil, I settled for steamed white rice and vegetables drowned in some sort of oil. Not what I wanted, but I was hungry. So it got me thinking. Is it healthy to avoid all these foods if ultimately I’m left with nothing but unhealthy choices? That seems a bit counter-intuitive. And after this weekend of non-worthy cheats, I’m starting to ponder what happens after these next 16 days.

I used to get so mad (and still do) when something would be unknowingly cross contaminated, and I’d break out despite being so careful with what I was eating. Not necessarily because it made me sick, though that was a big part of it, but also because I didn’t even get to enjoy something I really wanted. So I’m taking that thought into what follows on this challenge. I have learned to enjoy foods, to play with flavors and new ingredients. And I also really really miss foods I was probably taking advantage of. So what will likely happen is I will continue to avoid many of the foods I am keeping off my plate for this challenge, and allowing myself to indulge in things I truly want. I will thus be keeping my body clean, healthy and thriving 90-ish% of the time, and allowing myself that 10% wiggle room to enjoy and indulge, keeping me sane.

Update: day 14

I just enjoyed one of Brandon’s Almond-Flax Burgers with a salad the size of an actual garden and was reminded of just how awesome this challenge has been. So I’m countering my last few grumpy posts with a list of the positives:

Grocery shopping is a breeze - produce section and the bulk barn and color me done!

My skin is slowly and stubbornly clearing up.

I don’t physically miss coffee anymore. Mentally - well, still working on it.

What kitchen garbage? Everything is compostable!

Energy is a lot more steady throughout the day.

I have relearned the value and importance of sleep.

Ginger Pear Smoothies. Say no more.

Discovering the Thrive Juice bar - mmmm….

I am back in the kitchen, playing with knives and food.

People around me are accepting it. Slowly. But its happening. Spreading a little more awareness!

Thats all for now! Rock on, and here’s to another delicious two weeks.

Day 11: Totally Thriving!

Not sure if we’re out of the woods yet, but today was definitely a turning point. I still feel like my life has been put in a blender with the lid left off, but I’m working towards seeing the vega-green ceiling splatter as art, not mess now.

Taught two classes today, and it felt great. It is so nice to share space and practice with really motivated people. Thanks Lauren for letting me borrow your students for the day, they rocked!

Finally got to the Thrive Juice Bar - wow! Met the owner and the Thai Avocado Smoothie as Jonnie recommended, and it was delicious. Lasted me through my second class and the whole drive home.

I have come to a few awesome conclusions recently, which have inspired a few awesome decisions. Big decisions. It feels so good to have things settled. I have a goal, now all I have to do is get my feet pointed in the right direction and start moving. Possibly easier said than done, but still so doable.

Thrive: I am back on board with this challenge. I had a little glitch last night - went to Thai Sun and had the Veg Pad Thai - oh so good, and felt oh so rotten. I could have picked out the tofu to stick with my no soy, but decided to let it slide for the sake of protein (lame excuse, but my legs are STILL sore… something had to give). Not sure what the crappy feeling can be blamed on, likely a multitude of things, but my fingers are pointing full force at stress. Surprise.

Today: two smoothies, some raw cashews and almonds, a mango, a liter and a half of water, and my beloved Sport Optimizer later - I’m feeling great. Can’t wait to go home and test out a spin on the Almond Flax Burger - they are soooo good!

Keep thriving! If it all seems a little much - start small. Maybe try a smoothie for a snack or breakfast tomorrow. Or give Michael Pollan’s stance a try - vegan before 6pm. Or maybe just take note of how close to nature the food you’re eating really is. Its eye-opening to say the least. Rock on!

Confessions

I haven’t been doing my daily practice. There really is no excuse, so I won’t put them up here.

I have found more sources of added sugar in my diet I am slowly working to cut out. Dried mango, cherries and cranberries, I’m looking at you.

I am counting down the days until this challenge is over. Not becuase I don’t like it, I’m actually enjoying it. Its brought me back into the kitchen with an open mind and a box full of new ingredients. It just seems like right now, my brain can only handle so much and this is really pushing my limits.

I am worried. In about a week, I’ll be Thriving overseas for a handful of days. It will be interesting. I am going with the mindset of doing this intelligently - which means if I have to ease up a little for the sake of feasibility, then so be it, but I will do my best.

I look forward to the weird, almost body-stone but a little buzzed effects of the Sport Optimizer. Ahem. Yes, I am a junkie, so I am trying to refrain from using it every day.

Onto the good:

I made the Ginger-Pear smoothie… Yum!!! I used a scoop of the Vanilla Chai meal optimizer and it is so, so good. I will definitely be making it again. See here for the recipe.

Things are looking up. Life has a plan (I can hear the laughing now, but thats ok) and I’m starting to feel some direction.

And finally, I am so freaking blessed to have so much support and encouragement. To be surrounded by all these awesome people with totally different shoes to fill daily, yet all working towards similar and incredible goals. I love it! Thank you!

Finding my Inner (letter writing) Canadian

Dearest B. Brazier:

You promised faster recovery. You promised a revitalized, refreshed feeling. You advertise a diet that will, and yes, I quote, “make you look great, feel great, and increase your energy.” You talk about increased productivity, enhanced mood, and all sorts of beautiful, glorious things. Well, I hate to tell you, but little me here - 9 days in - is NOT feeling this.

I am exhausted. Sore as heck from a squat workout I did on Monday. Look, Mr Brazier, I understand that squats are tough, and increasing the weight will make me sore. I get that. Been doing this for a while. But a 5 (FIVE) pound increase on my squats should NOT have me limping around like this two days later. This is unheard of. My brain feels fuzzy. My body aches, joints creak, and I can’t seem to get enough sleep no matter what time I clap off the lights. My hands are breaking out again, despite an even cleaner diet, and my gut hasn’t a clue whats going on.

Now, I know it has only been nine days. You warn us of a “detox” period, with all these symptoms. I’m just letting you know, so far, I’m raising my left eyebrow at you and your devilish scams to consume gardens and gardens of green leafy vegetables. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were a lettuce lobbiest. So. I am putting you on warning and giving you until the end of the month. I will hold true to your vegan guidelines, scrape the cheese off my sandwich (that I dutifully asked for none on) though it pains me to do so. I will neglect my beloved coffee in favor of some high maintenance uncaffeinated, un-milked, un-sweetened, organic, whole leaf herbal tea. I will put my food processor through the tireless act of making your admittedly delicious burgers and smoothies. All for the sake of giving your big dreams a try.

And Brandon, if I may call you so, I do wish you to be right. I want to prove to my nay-saying friends that being a strong, healthy, happy athlete and a vegan are not mutually exclusive.

Yours in desperate awaitings of health, strength and happiness,

Me.

Thriving in the Kitchen

Curried Chickpeas and Other Delicious

I’d had this idea in my head since Lindsay blogged about curried chickpeas over rice the other day. So I finally broke down and made it. Added bonus: It inspired me to pull out an old cookbook that, as it so happens, is FULL of awesome recipes that are easily adpated to Vegan eating. If you haven’t heard about him, check out John Berardi (another yummy Canadian) and his gorgeous cookbook, Gourmet Nutrition.

Anyways - the recipe. I played with it a little, so here’s the general breakdown

1/2 Onion (small dice)

3 heads Baby Bok Choi (chopped)

2 cups Cauliflower (small-ish dice)

3 cloves Garlic (minced)

1tbsp Ginger (grated)

1/2c Coconut Milk (stirred well)

1-3tsp Curry Powder (to taste)

1 can Chick Peas (drained and rinsed)

Salt and Pepper (to taste)

Sautee the onion until translucent. Add in bok choi and cauliflower and sautee 2-3min. Add 1tbsp coconut milk, garlic, ginger and curry powder. Stir and simmer 2-3min. Add in remaining coconut milk and chick peas. Stir to combine and simmer until heated through. Taste and adjust seasonings. Enjoy!

You can sub in/out any veggies you like. I had this on some quinoa, and it was delicious. I think I might add some carrots next time, too.

I’ve also tried Brendan’s Almond burgers - delish! Though my poor food processor had a bit of a hard time. And the Apple Cinnamon Energy Bars - they’re tasty, but still very soft, so I’m going to try a different recipe and play around with it a little. Might even stick them in the dehydrator to make them crunchy…. hmm.

Namaste, and happy eating!

The end of another Honeymoon

Phew! And what a rough honeymoon it was. Unlike May’s challenge, where the first week was glowing, enlightening, and filled with asanawesomness, this one has been painful, messy, sleepy, and occassionally irritable. Between the full on body-aches from caffeine withdrawl, absolute exhaustion from countless stressors, and defending this challenge daily, I’m glad its over. One week down. Another three to go, and I’m not banking on any miracles here. We’re warned from the get go that purging all the toxins, withdrawls from stimulants and readjusting to some whole, clean eating isn’t necessarily a walk in the park. I’ve chosen to embrace it and to use all these aches and pains as learning tools.

If I’m this tired now (sans caffeine), despite getting plenty of sleep, what the heck was I running on before? I’m recognizing patterns. Feel sleepy: reach for coffee. Perk up: run faster, lift harder, bend deeper, go-go-go. Crash: reach for sugar. Perk up: run faster, lift harder, bend deeper, go-go-go. Crash: reach for coffee. Perk up: run faster, lift harder, bend deeper, go-go-go. Crash. Lather, rinse, repeat, each time getting successfully worse. So now, there’s no perk up - and I’m feeling it. The last few days have felt like complete crashes. My energy is crap, my joints feel like someone’s been pouring cement in them all night, my head hurts just a little, I can’t think quite right. Um. Not how I’d define a healthy body.

Just like the last challenge, I’m already seeing this challenge work its way off my plate and into life. I’ve set my mind to cutting out allergens, preservatives, and just unnecessary foods for a month. To give my body a change to recalibrate and reset. To figure out what it needs, what is useful to it, and what it doesn’t that I can get rid of or maybe just save for the odd time here and there. Off the plate, I’ve found myself taking stock of relationships and situations in my life, seeing what works, what doesn’t, what I need to walk away from - if even just for a little while - and what I need to work on (my lettuce people).

Here’s to another week!

Day 4: Intentions

As teachers, we’re constantly teaching and reading that “How we are on the mat is how we are in life.” Well, its looking like “how we are on the plate is how we are in life,” too. I just read Asia’s post and it could have been me writing it.

For the last forty five days, I have come to the mat each morning and set an intention. Whether it was to just get through the salutations, or to do a full vinyasa practice, or to focus on my breath, or to understand shoulder stand a little better, or to really, really greet the sun - there was an intention for what I was doing. It was mindful, deliberate, and focused. David Swenson says “There is a difference between doing yoga and simply making an asana of ourselves.” Well, I’m thinking there is a difference between eating and really nourishing ourselves.

Food and I have had a troubled relationship for as long as I can remember. For much of my life, eating made me feel sick. Not knowing why, and with doctors unable (unwilling?) to diagnose what was wrong, it was just easier to not eat than to endure the pain that almost inevitably followed. Later on, meal times became the battleground for family wars of all shapes, sizes and varieties. So it became easier to sleep through them or conveniently sneak off to the gym instead. Then a few years ago, as I worked my way into the bodybuilding community, food became fuel. Something you eat because you have to.

Truth be told, I’m not quite sure what foods I actually enjoy and what ones I don’t anymore. So much of my meal choices over the last few years have been dictated by what I can eat and what has the best macronutrient breakdown, that I’ve forgotten to factor enjoyment into it all. I’ve been practicing mindless eating, complete with the flailing around of forks and knives.

I know it could be done at any time if I set my mind to it, but I am so grateful to have the support of some awesome peers to stick with this challenge. My intention for this challenge is to change my relationship with food. To sit down at every meal and really enjoy what I’m eating. To set an intention of sorts when it comes to ingredients, meals, and eating. To stop mindless snacking, eating because I’m bored, and eating things that I don’t really like.

Thrive for 2 and 3

3 days in and here’s what I’ve learned:

Vega Whole Food Health Optimizer in Vanilla Chai - not awful, but needs a little help. Berries were a good start.

Giving up coffee, sugar, dairy, and eggs all in one shot - Ow! I enjoyed some much forgotten about full body aches and cramps yesterday, likely due to a lack of caffeine. Today, we’re bridging the gap - maybe 4-6oz of coffee before my practice this morning and a green tea with a friend. Tomorrow, one of those goes. Baby steps here…

Its so much more fun to think of all the incredible things I can eat, not the small handful of things I will be leaving off my fork.

I am BACK! in the kitchen. And it feels awesome. Staring into the depths of the pantry contemplating meal ideas, nutrient combinations, and new yummy flavors. I forgot how much I missed this, and didn’t realize how lazy I’d gotten.

Vega Sport Performance Optimizer in Acai: surprisingly yummy. Tried a half-scoop with lots of water. It definitely helped me blast through the midafternoon “someone please get me to bed or find me a coffee or at least let me sit in a corner and cry because it hurts to hold myself up and I don’t want to anymore” without feeling jittery or wired.

I am le tired. I didn’t realize just how much of my energy came from these “energy debt” causing foods. Go figure. Looks like its time to pay up now.

I am still loving waking up to do the full primary. I could do without the 5:48am alarm, but truth be told, its so worth it to come off the mat ready to face the day. Full headstand today - no wall support. I’m getting my balance back!

In other news: I’m working on getting a class together for Saturday afternoon, around either 3 or 4:00 if anyone is interested in coming. Just let me know and I’ll send you details!

Thrive Day 1

Ah yes. I remember this feeling. The overwhelming sensation of “OMG, what the hell am I going to eat now” after realizing just how much of my diet was made up of a certain food. The last time this happened was nearly 3 years ago when I decided to boot gluten from my plate for good. I distinctly remember standing in the cereal aisle, hell bent and determined to find ONE cereal that I could still eat. And leaving, almost fighting back tears. This wasn’t a 30-day challenge, it was forever, and it was forcing me to give up what felt like everything I was used to eating. No cereal, oats, granola bars, bagels, and then it got worse. Turns out that stuff is in EVERYTHING. So out went sauces, spice mixes, soups, dressings, and even some cheeses (blue, I’m looking at you and your mold). And you know what I was left with after that final clean out? Well, besides a pretty empty pantry, a house full of fresh fruits and veggies, yogurt, cheeses, meats, rice, new whole grains like quinoa, nuts, beans, and spices. It took a little adjusting, but before I knew it, I felt fantastic!

This Thrive diet is feeling a lot like that. I eat a decently healthy diet (save the odd M&M love affair here and there, oh and my complete addiction to sugar). Lots of fresh fruits and veggies, whole grains if I’m eating any, eggs, lean meats, dairy. Generally whole foods, no preservatives, sweetners, processing, blah blah blah. Now I pick up this book, and its back to that day in the cereal aisle. How did I consume so much dairy and not even notice?! My breakfast has milk in my coffee and cottage cheese and jam on rice crackers, lunch - usually a salad with some kind of cheese and maybe leftover meats, afternoon smoothie - cottage cheese and yogurt, and dinner - usually meat of some kind with veggies. So now… uhhhh…. no meat, no problem. No eggs, I can work with that. No soy, eh, I’ll miss my edamame, but ok. No dairy? Ohhhh no.

Now, I get the point, and I love it. I’ve actually been toying with cutting dairy out for a while. I have once before right when I cut gluten out. So, as we say in spanish, poder se puede. Maybe this was just the kick I needed - a world class professional super marathoner on a mission to make us all reconsider what lands on our plate and to make us a little healthier in the process - to tell me to cut the crap and just give it a go for a month.

I am eternally grateful for having done 40-days of yoga first. It seems actually a lot less daunting now, just 2 hours a day on the mat. This sucker is every meal, every day. A whole new level of commitment,m so its nice to know that its only 30 days. If it gets rough, this too shall pass, there will be ups and downs, and soon Lindsay will be reunited with her sushi!