Cook. Lift. Study.

This Is It

2011-04-22T13:49:00.001-04:00

For one second., look at your life and see how perfect it is. Stop looking for the next secret door that is going to lead you to your real life. Stop waiting. This is it: there's nothing else. It's here, and you'd better decide to enjoy it or you're going to be miserable wherever you go, for the rest of your life, forever. -Lev Grossman.

March!

2011-03-16T10:53:00.001-04:00

If February is the breakup with winter, March is that horrible time right after. You know, that awkward phase where you're trying to convince yourself you're okay. Where you pack up Winter's things and hope to get them out of your space as fast as possible in hopes of moving on a little quicker. On the whole, you're getting better, but some days the rain and the tears set in, knocking you right back making it tough to even get out of bed. But it gets better. You slowly start to forget how awful it got, those bitter cold nights and relentless winds and start to look to the future of sunny days and flip flops. It's a tipping point in the healing process that you simply have to get through. On the other end of it, you know the flowers will come out, the salt will wash away, and your winter armor will be back in the closet where it belongs.

Hard-hat meditations

2011-03-07T07:31:00.004-05:00

After a couple hours in viparita karani (legs up the wall) in a hard hat, this is what came out.

Maybe it has to hurt so I get to learn. Kinesthetically, of course. Maybe I'm just always going to learn the hard way. Maybe it's not so bad. Though I do need a helmet for my heart if this is how it's going to be. I'm trying to find a reason for why things are the way they are, and why they happen the way they do. So far all I've come up with are empty theories that do little more than help pass the time and drive me crazy. These include things along the lines of "maybe I'm still not ready," countered with my head thinking "but I feel ready. Don't I?" "I need to learn patience/a lesson/to be alone/to stick up for myself/what I want/who I am/some other topic covered by the millions of self-help books on the shelves." What if, maybe, just maybe, it just is. What if there is no greater purpose. What if there is no grand lesson to learn. What if it's not a test or a trial run. What if things just are as they are due to the culmination of events that just were as they were leading up to all this. But I don't like that theory. It feels too empty. Industrial, almost. I like to believe that the Universe has a plan, or some kind of idea about where all this is going, or happening for, or something. I like to believe the Universe is watching and listening. Taking careful note of our own free will and circumstance, adjusting and adapting as necessary to keep things moving at least somewhat to plan. I like to believe that coincidences might be coincidences, but they are happening for a reason. Believing all this gives me a little glimmer of hope that we're here, doing what we're doing, for a reason. That my life and all the hurdles, pot holes, and easily sprinted straight ways have some kind of maybe even just slightly greater purpose. I have absolutely no idea what that purpose is, but I do believe that if we listen real close and ask real nice (and clearly), we can have a say in what is happening. It's not just about asking for what you want, though that is a big part, but about being mindful of what effect that will have and why you want it. As they say, "be careful what you wish for."

I've spent virtually the last year figuring out what it is I want - from how I take my coffee (black, I think) to where I want to live, what I want to do, and who I want to be. Strangely enough. at least for now, I think I have most of it figured out at least within a narrow margin. The one thing left, though, that I feel most lost on is relationships. As soon as I think I'm ready for one, I second guess myself. I know I'm tired of being alone, but I'm not sure where to go from there. I don't want to be with someone just for the sake of not being alone, that doesn't seem right or fair to any party involved. The one person who I have considered being a ... potential? is already claimed and passes for a better Houdini than the man himself. Yet I can't seem to let it go. Part of me really feels there could be something there, and this isn't the first time I've had to wait and work to get what I wanted. That maybe it could be worth it. The other part of me is ready to throw in the towel, tired of getting my hopes smashed, thinking it'd just make more sense to move on.

In thinking about it, I've never been one for taking the easy way out. Most drive an automatic, I like a stick. Most prefer to go down stairs on their feet, I prefer head first. I sit on the floor in front of the couch, and I lift heavy because it's hard. I picked the hard classes in school because I knew I could ace them, and because I'd be bored with anything less. In the same vein, I pick the boys who routinely and almost systematically present a challenge. Because I think I'd be bored with anything less. But here's the question: is this smart?

Should I just accept that this is what I do because it's what I've always done? Isn't that samskara in it's truest form? What if I've been so focused on finding and maintaining a challenge, I've been missing something that's been right in front of me this whole tie. What if I'm doing it because it's safer, because it leaves me in control with a valid-anytime-fool-proof backup if I ever decide to back out. What if I'm now only doing it for the thrill of succeeding and "beating" the challenge? What if I'm doing it because it's the only thing I confidently know I know how to do. What if I'm scared of failing, or screwing up, or getting hurt, or somehow not being perfect at it and other people finding out. What if I just don't know how not to be the exception to the rule, the one who doesn't count. Is this the cycle I want to be stuck in forever? What happens when I decide I want to settle down? Am I ever really going to want to settle down? What does that mean, anyways? But I digress.

What if I let go of the urge to somehow manipulate the outcomes by changing my immediate actions. Maybe I can try simply being, taking things as they come and responding to them as best I can in the moment. Considering the outcomes of my actions, but not intending for anything beyond what the realistic effect of those actions really is. What if I take away the urge to control every aspect of my life and leave it up to the universe, focusing instead on making the best possible decision I can at the time. The, oh the infamous 'they', say we should live and let live. Maybe I can do just that, letting myself actually live rather than plan to live. So far, I've only had these fleeting moments of being able to do this. Moments where I set aside the drive to plan my conversations and listen instead. Moments where I acted on what I was feeling right then and there instead of on what I wanted to be feeling or saying. I'm not saying I want to act without thinking, but I want to act without an agenda. It's absurd to get frustrated that the people in my real life aren't playing according to the script I've written in my head. Yet this is what I seem to keep doing, never really learning my lesson, or at least not hard enough to stop me from repeating the pattern. But I think I can learn it. Even it it takes me to... eventually. I think I can keep trying at it until it becomes a little more natural, or until writing these scripts becomes a little more unnatural. Maybe I should write these plays out instead, putting those creative guns to work on something other than tormenting and exhausting my psyche. Or maybe I just need to move on.

Things I learned in 2010

2011-01-01T22:24:00.004-05:00

Being single sucks sometimes, but being in bad company is indescribably worse.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Sometimes, it's your only choice.
South American dentistry is heavily underrated. Though they could stand to prescribe some stronger pain meds.
England was not my favorite, but I'm willing to give it another try.
Divorce and breakups are contageous. Don't believe me? Try 5 out of 5 in the family in under 10 months.
One morning you're going to wake up and realize you're essentially living your dream. You're also going to realize you're not happy. You're going to have to cope.
Giving up sex for a month was not an intelligent move. Neither was giving up cheese or coffee.
Being unemployed is scary. Being unemployed, taking on a pile more expenses to get yourself just a smidge closer to where you want to be, and being determined to live your dream and not settle for less is terrifying.
Crunching numbers and realizing that you will soon be able to not only break even, but save a little is possibly one of the biggest reliefs out there.
Losing someone forever is awful, and time doesn't make it hurt less. It just hurts different.
Before you buy a car that you're going to do a lot of highway driving with, test drive it on the highway.
Some boys are not ready to be useful. Or around. This will drive you crazy, but it might not be a bad thing.
Babies really are an excellent way to start people. Other people's babies are great to practice on.
It's totally ok to say no and walk away from bad jobs, bad people, and bad ideas.
Asking for Space is fine, but be prepared to get a whole LOT of it.
There are people in your life who will show up almost exclusively when they need something. Then there are people who almost magically show up exactly when you need someone, often before you even realize you need them. Expend energy accordingly.
It just might be true that everything happens for a reason. The universe has a plan. You might not know it, or like it, but you're gonna have to deal with it.
It gets worse before it gets better. Rock bottom is a lot deeper than it seems, but it does eventually, slowly, painfully get better.
I am a kinesthetic learner. Right down to relationships and emotions. I need to feel it hurt before I truly understand and believe that it will hurt.
Nice cars are great for other people to have. Turns out, boys who drive those nice cars fall into the same category.
Miami Airport still sucks.
If "he's too nice" is used a reason to not date someone, you really, really need to re-examine your criteria.
Demand honesty and accept nothing less. And for the love of all that is pretty, stop making excuses for other people's shitty behavior.

Dear Yoga...

2010-12-22T19:35:00.000-05:00

Dear yoga,

I just found out my 11-yr old sister got a blackberry. I was originally cranky, thinking “what the HELL does an 11-yr old need a blackberry for?” I don’t even have one, and I live in the town that dreamed them up, developed and produces them. I was preparing some witty, backhanded comment about divorcing parents tossing money at their kids out of guilt, hoping to win them over in the upcoming custody battle from hell and to be the “favorite” parent in the match up between Mommy and Daddy. You know - to be the parent that bends the rules, lets you stay up late and eat ice cream for dinner while watching tv or whatever is “not allowed” for kids now. I was going to send out a message to my Mom and Dad letting them know that I’m still distraught from their divorce 18 years ago, and that Suzie sure could use a new Chevy Colorado - which I have more use for as a yoga teacher than an 11-yr old does a blackberry…. just sayin’.

But then you stepped in, with your extra perspective and understanding soul. I went and taught a class to some of my most awesome students (you all are - for the record). I then came home to a couple facebook responses to my “My ELEVEN year old sister has a blackberry” comment, including one from my Mom stating “how sad” (she was clearly not the giver of this device). Instead of being mad or upset about it now, I was thinking “hey - this ridiculous purchase is actually supporting my awesome little town.” It’s thanks to these financially over-privileged parents (and the millions of businesses and executives worldwide) that my this town gets to keep growing through a recession.

Now lets not get carried away, I’m not exactly beaming with pride that my eleven year old sister (and my 18 and 25yr old ones as well) is parading somewhere around Buenos Aires with a blackberry bolted to her hip. It still boggles my mind as I think back to what I was doing and allowed to do at eleven. But considering I went to teach this class with the urge to turn the blackberry-purchaser’s face into my own personal UFC training bag, I’d say that you worked some magic. You were able to turn my anger and frustration around to look at the more constructive side of things. Hell, I even want to congratulate RIM for somehow turning a pretty boring communication device intended for stuffy executives into something eleven year old girls are losing their minds over. Bravo on the marketing of that one!

Yoga, please understand, while I like seeing the divine in all beings and I think it’s great to give people a little kindness and understanding, sometimes… and this might hurt to hear, sometimes I just want to be mad. But I understand, you’re simply doing what it is you do, making the world a slightly better place today than it was yesterday. So I’m trusting you to work your magic, and I’m doing my best to keep those punches to myself.

I’m sure we’ll be in touch.

-S

PS. To all you readers out there living in the town where Chevy designed and produces their Colorado’s - you’re welcome in advance. My parents will come to their senses soon and realize that my emotional wounds are still bleeding fresh blood and I’m still on the fence about who I love more. I’ll be thinking of you as I drive my new truck to the studio.

I have a goal! ...crap.

2010-11-24T19:36:00.000-05:00

On my way to the gym today, or was it on my way to class, or maybe on my way home from class… anyways - in the car at some point today I had this thought, “I could compete.” I’ve often toyed with the idea of being a figure athlete, setting a date and working my ass off towards it. I’ve seen covers of fitness magazines and thought “I can totally get those abs” (or on good months, “I totally have those abs”).

I know my way around a gym, haven’t met an oly bar I didn’t love (except maybe those broken ones with the sliding collars at the PAC back in the day). I know my way on a mat, around most injuries, I can navigate a grocery store with my eyes closed and rattle off more nutritional information and ingredients than is even possibly considered normal. I can cook my way around allergies, intolerances, and vegan adventures. So, I have the knowledge.

Do I have the time? I have a job that affords me tons of flexible hours and access to multiple gyms. It also has me connected to countless resources on training, fitness, nutrition, etc. I’m completely single, so I schedule for one, cook for one and sleep for one. So holy crap, do I ever have the time.

Finally, do I have the motivation? Why not. I’m already training pretty regularly as it is, why not make it just a teensy bit harder and work towards a solid goal. What’s it going to take? A regular program, solid dedication, a cleaned up diet, copious amounts of epsom salt baths, and maybe a boob job. Well, maybe not the last one. I’m still recovering from having my one wisdom tooth removed.

What’s this mean? Well, the more I think about it, the more I’m talking myself out of it. So before I manage to do that completely, here goes.

I’m going to be on the cover of a fitness magazine in 6 months.

Yep. You read that right.

Someone has to, why shouldn’t it be me? Now I just have to figure out how to get there. Crap. (If I fail at this, I’ll be competing in a fitness competition instead.)

On why my wrist says LIFT

2010-11-14T19:37:00.000-05:00

Life Is F*ing Tough. In that sense that getting up every morning is a battle. That sometimes crawling out of bed is more than I can wrap my head around. It’s tough in that I have found more concrete walls to smash my head into than doors to walk through. It’s tough in that every time I turn around thinking I’ve got things a little more figured out, I find some new hurdle to bang my knees into. It’s tough in that every time I think I’m getting a little less sick, a little less “broken,” a little more normal, something else comes up and I have to start all over. It’s tough in that I spent the last four years hearing that I’m “broken” and I’m through with hearing and accepting that, but still trying to glue myself back together.

So I lift. I lift to get stronger, to get more prepared for the crap the world has to load on my shoulders. I lift to get better, to stay focused, and to stay at least a tiny bit ahead of the curve. I lift because no one expects me to, and no one is telling me to. I lift because the iron doesn’t lie, gravity doesn’t change. I lift because some days it’s the only way I know how to cope. I lift because I can.

I hope to one day, maybe someday, be able to add an “ed” to the end of my LIFT. To make it all past tense, and to maybe put a “so it goes” underneath it. I hope to someday put the constant head-against-concrete smashing behind me and to simply have it as a reminder. Because I really don’t want to believe that it’s always going to be this tough. Because the little dreamer still left in me really wants to believe that somewhere, at some point down the road it gets a little easier.

Until that happens, if that happens, I’m ‘lift’ing the best I know how. I’m making the most of my crazy, and doing what I can to enjoy it. I’m teaching yoga as my “job” (in quotes because honestly, I get paid to work in my pajamas teaching people how to move their bodies around on a mat – something I’d do for free) because I love it and I want to see where it takes me. I’m rattling around this big-tiny apartment with just my cat for company because I don’t want to live with anybody else right now. I’m contemplating going back to school because I don’t ever want to stop learning or divorce myself from academia; I love the challenge, the hoops, and the constant battle to prove myself capable. I’ve turned my back on this notion of joining the ‘real world’ for the sake of following my whims and passions instead, because right now I have nothing to lose.

Am I trying to justify my decision? Not at all. For all you know, I really wanted it to say “LEFT” and the inept tattoo artist goofed, which is likely what I’ll tell you if you ask me in person. I’m not in the business of justifying those decisions that affect me and me alone anymore. It wasn’t very profitable. This is just my reasoning, in words on paper because I needed to remind myself that it’s not there to remind me life is tough, that fact is plenty obvious, but to remind me of what I can do about it.

Namaste.

Good to Great?

2010-11-12T19:37:00.000-05:00

I just finished devouring Jim Collins’ Good to Great this week, and find myself thinking of it more in personal than business terms as it was intended. Throughout the book, written to decode the secrets between ‘good’ and ‘great’ comanies, Collins constantly refers to “getting the wrong people off the bus and the right people on the bus in the right seats.”

Looking back at the last year or so, I’ve been doing just that. Cutting out those who are toxic or ‘energy vampires’ and spending more time with those that I want on my bus. Most of these decisions were pretty clear cut - people were either decidedly right or wrong. The conundrum I’ve run into lately is not with these people, but with those left in the grey area. The ones who might be right if put in the right seats, but who might also just not be a good fit. How many second (or third, fourth, fifth….) chances or “seats” do these people get before being asked to hop off the bus at the next stop? And is it even fair to do that? Is it useful or logical to take principles of business (a known cut-throat world) and apply them to personal development? Should we just pipe down and take people as they are, embracing the inevitable crazy of them all? Are we too quick to eliminate people when they hold a totally different, possibly conflicting set of values?

As I write that, I can’t help but think of some advice a friend gave me right around this time last year as my world was just starting to turn upside down. I asked him, “when do you know enough is enough?” His answer was so simple, “When you need to ask that question.”

Any thoughts?

Yoga for Non-Yogis

2010-11-09T19:38:00.000-05:00

So here’s the deal. In order to complete round 4 of my teacher training, I need to teach two classes and have them reviewed. Truth be told, I can just have some of my peers review the classes I’m already teaching but I want to try something a little different. What I’m really hoping to do is teach a class of “Yoga for Non-yoga Guys” but in order to do that, I need some bodies in the room willing to give it a go.

This is where you come in. If you’re at all interested/curious about giving this “yoga” stuff a try, this is your chance. We won’t be doing anything too crazy or “flexibility required” - so no ankles around the head or full standing splits. You know, unless you want to of course.

If this gets any sort of decent response, my hope is to offer a class like this when we open our studio, so I’d really love some feedback.

Please let me know if you are interested, and when works best for you so I can get to work on finding a time to run it.

Rock on!

Day 8

2010-11-08T19:38:00.000-05:00

First - I will not be posting on Sundays. With YTT, there is so much information going in that anything coming back out is bound to make little sense to the outside world. So I’ve decided to spare you the hassle of trying to decode it.

My practice today was quiet. I didn’t do much in the physical sense, opting instead to do a little breath work. Asking me to move is easy. Asking me to sit still and breathe - not so much. So today I worked on that. With that being said, I missed the moving practice though I caught up a bit in the 3 classes I taught today. It has me looking forward to tomorrow morning and getting back on my mat to rock it.

I want to take a second here to thank you for checking in and for following along.

Rock on and namaste!

Yoga Honeymoon: Day 6

2010-11-06T19:39:00.000-04:00

Today I practiced with a plan. I followed Swenson’s short 30-min series because I’m a little pressed for time, sore, and was feeling uninspired. And that’s exactly how practice felt - a little uninspired. I was distracted, just sort of rolling through the series. It’s not entirely a bad thing - I still feel better for getting on the mat. But for now I’m going back to no plans. I’ve been enjoying just following my breath and seeing where it takes me.

If this were a honeymoon - today would be the day you realize it’s almost over and try to cram everything awesome into what little time you have. You end up feeling scattered and not really enjoying any of it, wishing you’d sunk deep into that hammock and watched waves roll by instead. Only change the hammock for pigeon and waves for breath.

Namaste!

Yoga Honeymoon: Day 5

2010-11-05T19:39:00.000-04:00

I don’t have much to say tonight, so I’m not going to waste your time with pointless rambling. Practice today was great. I got up ready to go, and rekindled my love with those seemingly endless salutations. As I worked through them today, rather than getting more tired I got more fired up for the rest of my practice. What started as “maybe I’ll just do 5 of each and a seated meditation before savasana” turned into the full primary, a seated meditation and savasana.

I took my ‘not having a plan’ attitude (and a dose of the Vega Sport Optimizer) to the gym with me again today, and wound up setting a personal best for squats at 120lbs. Might not mean anything to you (or you might just think I’m crazy), but the real point is that by taking away the plan and the restrictions I was able to go way further than I thought. By simply not having a pre-determined foot path to follow I was able to take leaps and bounds instead.

This not having a plan thing is kinda fun once you wrap your head around it. If you’re up for it, give it a try sometime this weekend - but if you’re taking this mantra to the gym I might recommend leaving the Vega behind. You’ll be a little less sorry tomorrow if you do.

Rock on and Namaste!

Yoga Honeymoon: Day 4

2010-11-04T19:40:00.000-04:00

Rock on and Namaste!

Yoga Honeymoon: Day 3

2010-11-03T19:41:00.000-04:00

The day you chill out, sit by the pool with some fruity umbrella drink, and watch time roll by. Or in yoga terms, the day I got on my mat with some intentions of rocking the full primary but decided instead to roll through a gentle practice.

Time for an ugly yogi confession. Sometimes, yoga hurts. I got on the mat today with a sore right wrist - a direct consequence of lots of teaching and the way I face my class, my low back that was one false move away from blowing out completely - a cranky response to a return of back-bends to my practice, and that frustrating right hamstring pull from the last 30-day yoga challenge. I lead a pretty physical life, so it’s not often a day goes by that I’m not aching or tight somewhere. Most days, I tough it out, modify what needs to be modified, and I get on with it. But today I wanted to feel good, not be tough. Today, that meant not doing the primary series.

Instead, I did a couple moon salutations, taking extra time to get my hips open and spending less time in modified camel. I worked through some deeper hip openers, taking time in each posture to really settle in. This is one of the great things about a personal practice - it’s just you on the mat. No one telling you what to do or when to do it. It’s also tough for that same reason, as it’s a whole lot easier to skip the tough stuff and stick with the good ones. I think over time it all evens out in the wash though, especially if you continue being a student and going to classes.

On that note of taking classes - I’m giving away a couple ‘thank you’s’ to new bodies that show up to my class this month.

Namaste, and rock on!

Yoga Honeymoon: Day 2

2010-11-02T19:41:00.000-04:00

If we keep going with the analogy, today is the day I woke up to find out yoga snores, the airline lost our luggage, and the hotel is going into construction right next to our room. Needless to say - less than a fabulous start. The chattering monkeys were at their best today - arguing, negotiating, complaining at every breath. I thought of giving up a couple times, but played the “just” trick instead. Lets “just” do the standing series and see how it goes. Lets “just” do the next posture and see how we feel. And “just” like that I got through the series. Again - not one of the most enlightening practices, but as always I’m glad I rocked it.

I should also note how GREAT it feels to take savasana. I tend not to take it when I teach, and I haven’t been in class nearly enough lately so it’s been missing for a while. It felt really good to take a couple minutes (or closer to ten) to practice just being. I really recommend giving it a try, even if you don’t regularly (or ever) practice yoga. Lay down on your back with your feet about hip width apart, lay your arms at your sides, palms facing up and close your eyes. Take your attention to your breath and really try to let your mind quiet down. You don’t have to stay for long, but try for about 5-10 minutes.

Let me know how it goes!

November!

2010-11-01T19:43:00.000-04:00

After taking October off to show “me” a little love, I’m back and ready to rock. November marks the return of cold weather, another YTT Module under way and being *that* much closer to some asanAWESOME PYS happenings. For this month, we’re going back to basics and rocking the mat for another 30 Days of Yoga Challenge.

For those of you who followed (or even joined us) in May, you might remember what it was all about. For anyone who is new to the party, the rules are simple. For the next 30 days, simply get on your mat. In May, a lot of us focused on exploring the Primary Ashtanga Series (see here to find the Swenson book), but there is no saying you have to. These 30 Days of Yoga can be anything you want them to be - from savasana right through to a full 2-hr practice. All you have to do is show your mat (and consequently yourself) some love every day this month.

If you’re new to yoga, or haven’t tried it yet, now is a great time to check out a class or two and see what it’s all about. Click over to the Schedules tab to see when and where we’re teaching these days.

I won’t speak for the rest of the Pranababes just yet, but I’ll be chronicling my journey here. Feel free to post and share your experiences. Also, don’t be shy about commenting. If our last 30 Days of Yoga is any indicator, we’ll sure need the encouragement at some point! As a bonus, a prize or two might be put up for grabs at the end of the month to those who have supported us along the way.

So go on, pull your mat out of the cupboard and wipe off the dust. Find a nice quiet space somewhere in your house and commit to meeting yourself there for the next 30 days.

Yoga Honeymoon: Day 1

2010-11-01T19:42:00.000-04:00

After an epic battle with my alarm clock this morning, I finally rolled out of bed and onto my mat. It was a little rough getting started, so I took a few minutes to really enjoy tadasana before working through the shorter 45min sequence in Swenson. It wasn’t a particularly enlightening practice (save for the sad realization of just how far I’ve drifted from the end of May), but it felt great to get back on the mat and rock it. One thing I did notice was that my teacher voice wasn’t around, which was a beautiful thing. It was just me and my breath.

It’s like the honeymoon for a second marriage. You know the magic won’t stay like this forever, but you can’t help be excited over it anyways. It’s going to be a whole different adventure this time around.

Quote for Thought

2010-10-28T19:44:00.000-04:00

“I must learn to love the fool in me – the one who feels too much, talks to much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.” Theodore Rubin

Taking Back My Life

2010-10-15T19:44:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I blogged about disconnecting, and today I couldn’t help but contemplate the issue. Last month here at Pranalife HQ, we got up close and personal and mentioned the unmentionable. With our Sexless in September challenge, suddenly our sex-lives (or lack there of) became public domain. We did it voluntarily and deliberately to draw some attention to the topic, to create some chatter, and maybe get people thinking. It was a great challenge, and one I’m glad I participated in. Oddly enough, I think I’ve learned more about bramacharya after ending the challenge, but that actually doesn’t surprise me.

What does surprise me, though, is one of the outcomes of this challenge and maybe just the nature of internet interactions as a whole. People I may have spent time with once or twice, those I barely knew, and some I’ve only really talked to online were suddenly perfectly comfortable with discussing my personal life. It was bizarre. Topics, questions and comments that would likely not be heard of in face-to-face conversation were completely fair game through the security of the internet.

I fully anticipated some discussions regarding the challenge to arise, maybe a debate or two about celibacy vs human nature, perhaps the arguments of monogamy and saving oneself, questions about yogi’s and their take on bramacharya. What I wasn’t really expecting was just how personal it was going to get. And that may be my own naivete, which I fully expect responsibility for, and maybe should have navigated those conversations better. But it brings up an interesting question about cyber-worlds and just how comfortable we are discussing, sharing, and digging into things we wouldn’t dare explore in “real life”. Is it all bad? I don’t think so, but it does need it’s limits like anything else.

I am going to keep blogging, because I think it’s extremely valuable to bring up these sorts of discussions and topics. I also think it’s important that we use the internet as a tool for communication, research (and time wasting), while learning to navigate around it’s absolutely public nature and the (slightly) heightened sense of invincibility and anonymity it gives us.

That being said, my personal life will remain just that, personal. If you need to hear about it, odds are you will. If you want to chat, give me a call, send me an email, or swing by to visit. If you don’t have the guts to ask me in person, chances are, you shouldn’t be asking. Or you just need a little more courage. I promise I don’t bite…. hard.

Fuzz for thought.

On Disconnecting

2010-10-15T00:29:00.000-04:00

I’ve been mulling over this topic for a few days now, trying to think of a witty way to present it and an eloquent way to explain it. But the flu has my brain all foggy and my patience running low, so the long and short of it is this; I’m spending far too much time in front of the screen - both computer and phone. My days are wasting away into heaps of internet surfing (some productive, most not) and phone texting. While normally this would be fine, I’m starting to notice some weird negative effects from it. My attention span has gone from mediocre to absolutely awful. My thoughts are primarily in the form of short blurbs that could easily double as facebook statuses, and I am unnaturally connected to people All. The. Time.

While technology is not necessarily a bad thing - it does allow me to stay connected to my Carolina friends, Skype my family in Argentina and check the weather on Pluto - too much is not necessarily a good thing, either.

So for the next few days (or hopefully longer) I’m taking a break from the uber-connectedness I’ve slowly allowed to take over my life. For those of you keeping score, this is another one of those things I’m going to practice moderation with. So I’m not going completely offline, but I am stepping away from the screen(s) for anything above and beyond necessary connectedness.

Namaste, and rock on! Hope to see your able bodies on the mat.

Ahimsa

2010-10-08T19:46:00.000-04:00

In honor of our very favorite JP and the grand opening of his new studio Ahimsa in Toronto, todays post is on Ahimsa (or non-harming). I won’t go into much detail about Ahimsa tonight as I want to keep this post light (I’m suffering from a bit of tech-overdose that might result in an Oktoberfest-sized hangover this weekend). We’ve discussed it before in the 30-day challenge and elsewhere, so do a quick search and you can come up with lots of great insight into ahimsa and what it means.

For today, lets get physical and personal.

1. What is your most ridiculous injury? Just a few days ago, I stepped on a metal cat brush and now have a wicked scratch and blood pattern across the sole of my foot.

2. What is your most memorable/stupid/interesting scar? I have a 7-inch scar running up my left shin from my razor breaking. Didn’t hurt but it bled like crazy and looked pretty gory while it healed up.

3. How do you cope with pain (physical or emotional)? I hold my breath, fidget like an ADHD kid on speed, and swear like a sailor.

Practice a little Ahimsa this weekend, and if you can make it to TO, practice AT Ahimsa this weekend, too!

Rock on!

Today, I listened

2010-10-07T19:47:00.000-04:00

I got on my mat to show it some non-teaching love, and while dumb brain was saying “go for the full primary. Nevermind your aching and occasionally swollen wrists. Don’t worry about that wrenching pain in your low-back. Quit being a baby, your ankles are fine.” Smart brain had other thoughts. “Sit in child, then see how you feel. You’re hurting everywhere, take it easy. When was the last time you took savasana? Yeah, thought so. Now lay back, close your eyes and shut up.” Today, I listened. I sat in child for close to 20min, letting my back ease up a little, my wrists relax, and my head to unwind from the tightly coiled knot it’s worked itself into over the last few days.

Today, I also listened to Tool while I was teaching my super awesome (and growing!) gentle class. I was reminded yet again of just how incredible it is that I can call this my job.

What did you listen to today?

Being. A. Grown-up. Sucks.

2010-10-06T19:47:00.000-04:00

Got up at the butt-crack of dawn to teach a class, because I’m doing what I love. Renewed my license, only to remember my tags are expiring this month. Olly has to go for stabs at the vet and to hear he’s in perfectly fuzzy health. Naturopath visit to figure out what’s wrong with me (at least as far as she can tell) and what else I’m allergic to, so I can make grocery shopping and daily life even more of a bullet-dodging adventure. Parking ticket, just because. Thanks to some guy yesterday telling me my car “sounds funny… like you’ve got the parking brake on or something” (I drive a 103hp standard - no amount of flooring it will get her to move with the brake on - she struggles as it is with it off) now has me approaching my car like it’s a bomb ready to go off.

Being a grown up is awesome!

Because when you’re a grown up, you get to jump on the bed, only now you’re too tall so you smash your head on the ceiling. And you can stay up as late as you want, mostly because your brain’s still mulling over that to-do list that is a billion miles long, and you have to get up before the birds even hit their second cycle of REM sleep. And you can eat all the junk food and cookies you want - except that now you’re gluten intolerant, so it’s organic-gluten-free-sugar-free packing material crap sold for five times the price. And you can finally get that butterfly/barbed wire arm band tattoo you’ve always wanted, but your employer would frown upon it, your parents will probably still disown you, and good luck getting another job if that thing is even risking the slightest chance of showing. And you can dye your hair any color you want, but same rules apply here. Ditto for piercings. You can drive, but have to pay for gas, insurance, maintenance, parking, and the therapy to cure the anxiety that hits everytime your car makes so much as an imaginary squeak that doesn’t sound right. And you can have all the pets in the world, kittens, puppies, heck, a giraffe if you want. But remember - food, litter, walks, nail clipping, toys, vet bills, eucaliptus tree importing for that giraffe, and vacuuming - oh the vacuuming. And you can drink, too. All night long with your friends and do whatever you want, just remember that class at butt-crack-of-dawn-o’clock tomorrow because you’re following your dreams. And if you’re not, it’s cubicle nation or retail hades at butt-crack-of-dawn-o’clock instead. But you can stay home from work if you want. Just remember, that means you don’t get paid, so good luck with the car, vet, phone, insurance, dental, doctor and everything-else bills.

Being a grown up is awesome.

Now, that being said, there’s nothing to say we can’t still have a little fun. (And I use the term ‘we’ very loosely here, there’s a good chance I’ll never make it to a full-fledged “grown up,” it’s just not in the genes). So here’s my challenge for you today: unplug EVERYTHING that connects you to your adult world. Turn. It. Off. For ten minutes. Just 10. You can do it. This includes your blackberry and it’s blackberry, your laptop, desktop, pager, cell phone, work phone, iphone, ipad, ipod, tv, radio, whatever. Now, take those 10 minutes and go do something just for you. Go! I’ll wait. Then when you come back, share what you did.

Good things come to those who wait...

2010-10-05T19:48:00.000-04:00

…awesome things come to those who make it happen!

A friend of mine asked me in passing yesterday, “don’t good things come to those who wait,” and I couldn’t help but answer honestly. I don’t know. I don’t wait. I make it happen, I give up, or I move on.

Lately, however, I’ve been doing some waiting of my own. Not because I’m suddenly all peace, love and patience, but because I’ve been ‘forced’ to do so. I’ve planted some seeds on a few different things, and now I really have no choice but to let the universe do it’s thing and see what happens. And it’s frustrating me to no end. In the meantime, however, I’ve been keeping busy, making other things - awesome things happen.

So far, some of my seedlings are growing and looking promising, others have literally disappeared, and then there are some in between looking like they could go either way. I’m choosing to take the good, and chalk the losses up to a lesson learned.

While I battle it out between waiting (not so) patiently and making things happen, discuss: do you think it’s better to be the early bird who gets the worm or the second mouse that gets the cheese?

Pimpin' ain't easy

2010-10-04T19:50:00.000-04:00

I got stood up for my second job interview in two weeks today. It wasn’t a teaching job, but one I’d applied for to fill in the cracks in income and hours in my day. As frustrating as it was to wait around for this lady never to show, I couldn’t help but smile. Just before heading to this interview, I’d heard from two more coaches interested in setting up classes for their teams. When I got home, I had emails from two more.

Since making the decisions I have with my career, relationships, and life in general, I have been putting myself out on the line a whole lot more than I ever have. In return, I’ve heard “no” more often than an untrained puppy, I’ve been let down more than a shampoo model’s shiny hair, and I’ve become quite proficient at picking myself right back up. Yeah, it sucks sometimes. Sure, there are days when I want to sit there in a heap of pouts, but that’s not going to get me anywhere.

As for jobs - as I told a friend today when discussing the possibility of joining one of those big evil corporations - I’m pretty happy whoring myself out, so maybe I won’t be looking for a pimp afterall. I just need to start making ends meet and hoping someone doesn’t keep moving the ends on me.

Mantra

2010-10-03T19:51:00.000-04:00

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. -Groucho Marx

For the next 30 days, this will be my mantra.

If you have one that you use, please share!

[Not] Something to be Proud Of

2010-10-03T19:50:00.000-04:00

Five years ago, I was convinced that the one thing I’d be most proud of was putting myself through school and getting my degree.

Five years later, I have to say I was wrong. I just hung that damn diploma up on my wall, and I can firmly say it’s not something I’m proud of. The hanging it, maybe, though I’ve been weilding hammers and other tools (of the non-powerd variety, lets not get carried away here) for years now. But the degree, no. At least not right now. Maybe the scars are still a bit too fresh, or maybe I’m doing that thing again where I’m “not giving myself enough credit.” Every time I look at the $25,000 piece of paper in it’s fancy frame, I can’t help but see it as a reminder of the culmination of at least five years of terribly awful decisions.

Did I learn somethign in those 5 years? Plenty. Did it have to do with what’s written on the diploma? Not so much really. I learned a lot about myself, a little about life, and well… maybe a thing or two about those oh-so-awesomely important VO2-Max tests (are these even used outside a lab?!). So was it a waste of time? No. But a waste of money? Debatable.

Truth is, as I stare at this thing - I am tempted to go back to the UW dean/president/whoever and negotiate a do-over. Because I don’t feel I’ve earned the thing. Yeah, I got the grades to meet the minimum requirements - but I could and SHOULD have done so much better! My mom once called University “expensive daycare,” and sometimes I can’t help but agree. A lot of what we do and learn has no practical application or value aside from the mandatory hoop jumping to get this stamp. What for? Because some employer, somewhere, wants those letters after my name.

You know what’s crazy? I have done 120 hours of yoga teacher training with Pranalife. Those 120 hours have done more for me in terms of life and career advancement than the way-too-many-to-count hours of undergrad ever will. And no, that’s not just some shameless Pranalife YTT plug before our November model (though if you’re interested at all, scooch over to the YTT tab and check it out!!).

What’s all this getting at? Good question. As I sit here staring this silly paper down, I’m thinking of changing my attitude towards it. Rather than letting it make me cry every time I see it until the end of time, I’m going to try to see it as a reminder. A reminder to use my smart brain, and to make my own decisions. To make what I do matter, to count for something, and to give it some intention. It’s a reminder to follow my own gut, not what someone else tells me to do. It’s also a big “bite me” to those select few who told me I was taking the easy way out, wasting my time with a “crap” degree, couldn’t do it, didn’t deserve it, and was ‘lucky’ with my classes and grades.

Bring it, life. I’m university-educated now.

FOCtober, my love.

2010-10-01T19:52:00.000-04:00

Basking in the glory of the last hour of my first day of 23, I can’t help but think back. It’s been a crazy ride for all 276 months of this journey. Plenty of collisions, slow downs, detours, and unexpected bumps in the road all matched with incredible views, wicked adventures, and a whole lot of growing (more up than out).

22 was a bumpy year. Enough so that I’m tempted to declare it an epic fail of a year. Something’s stopping me from doing that, though. Possibly that “smart brain” voice in the back of my head (stupid know it all brat), telling me it’s been a year of planting seeds, pulling out weeds, and getting things organized for a wicked 23. And oh how I’m hoping SmartBrain is right on this one.

A quick recap of 22 shows

I got certified to rock the mat
I lost my Grandpa
I saw some of the most breath taking sights in Argentina
I ended a very destructive 5-yr relationship
I became an aunt
I spent a lot of time figuring out what being alone means
I finally finished school and got my degree
I made a career decision that lets me do what I love
I bought a car, got my own apartment, and picked out a shower curtain
I went to England
I cried. A lot.
I rocked the mat, went vegan, gave up coffee, sex, and chocolate
I laughed. More than I have in ages.
I met some incredible people.

And with that, it’s over. On to the next. Raus.

I have no idea what 23 has in store, but I have to say, I’m excited to put 22 behind me and move forward. With that, I am declaring this month of FOCtober as an “I love me” month. The challenge is simple, to simply do something conciously that I know is good for me every day. To make an effort of ending those “I know I shouldn’t, but…” arguments. As someone has told me a few times this year, ‘give yourself some credit.’

Bring it, 23.

SinS: Day 25 - Casual Sex October?

2010-09-25T20:43:00.001-04:00

We’ve rocked the mat for 30 days. We’ve given up meat, dairy, coffee, sugar, soy and who knows what else for 30 days. We’re concluding a sexless 30 days. And we’re still rocking it. But, as this challenge winds down, thoughts of what to do next start to creep up. Instead of abstaining from something I have a complicated relationship with, or recommitting to another month of 5am wakeups for some salutations, I’m proposing a month of intelligent decisions.

That might include salads for breakfast (see here), or returning to one of our past challenges, or deciding on something totally different. Basically the challenge is to make decisions with the “smart brain voice” instead of the “dumb brain voice”. You know the ones. That voice that perks up saying “you know better” or “we should really be doing ____” or “um, dumbass, put. it. down.” Listening to THAT voice a little more. Giving it a little space to be heard for the next 30 days.

However - seeing how we still have a few days before we make the choice for what our next challenge is - feel free to post any suggestions. We’d also love to hear what you think you’d have the hardest time giving up and/or committing to for 30 days.

What does this have to do with Casual Sex October? Nothing really. Just wanted to get you to read all the way through. Sex sells, you know.

SinS: Day 25 - Casual Sex October?

2010-09-25T20:43:00.000-04:00

What does this have to do with Casual Sex October? Nothing really. Just wanted to get you to read all the way through. Sex sells, you know.

SinS: Day 23 (otherwise known as one. more. week.)

2010-09-23T20:46:00.000-04:00

Back in high school I had this psychology teacher, Dr Brown, who come to think of it shared a LOT of traits with one of my psych profs in Unviersity… but anyways… this guy was far from winning bestest teacher of the year. His lectures were dry, the information he gave us was contradictory (if it made any sense at all), and his tests were complete disasters every. single. time. But - what he did do that was pretty awesome was he’d open every class with recent study or random fact. It kept the class somewhat relevant and at least that part was interesting. I don’t remember much from his classes, but there’s one study that has stuck with me as being remarkably cynical and bitter (fitting, really). It creeps up every now and then, and has really been hanging around throught this challenge.

The theory goes that we get into relationships with people (of any degree and variation) because we want or need something from them and vice versa. I remember sitting in class, hearing this and thinking ‘wow, that’s incredibly sad and bitter.’ But even now, years later, I can’t help but wonder if it’s true. Do we only associate with people we can benefit from being around in some way? Is this a bad thing? And in light of this challenge - can we maybe take some steps to reduce this reliance and needing from other people and share their company just because.

Share your thoughts!

SinS - Day 21

2010-09-21T20:47:00.000-04:00

I’ll be honest. This is the first day of this challenge that I’ve really sat down and given it much thought. And whew - I’m 21 days late on that, but nevermind. Better late than never.

In my thinking, I’ve determined that I spent far too much time in the “coulda, woulda, shoulda” lands and not nearly enough time in the “this is it” spaces of life. So here’s what I’m resolving to work on. Rather than looking at relationships of all kinds as potentials for … something, I’m going to start seeing them simply as they are. Taking things day by day, moment by moment. And really, how much more yogic can that get? “Simply be in the present.” Ultimately, it’s a simple task that just requires a whole pile of mental re-training.

Today I spent a few minutes simply sending out some awesome happy vibes to people I think might need it this week. That’s all. Just some rockin’ no-strings-attached virtual hugs. Why? Why not. I don’t need anything in return - and don’t expect anything to come of it. Just sending out some peace and love. Platonic love, that is. Ahem.

Inertia

2010-09-04T13:54:00.004-04:00

They say it takes two weeks to break a habit. They also say it takes two weeks to make a habit. Why is that? Why is it the start and end of said habit are so damn tough, yet keeping it rolling is pretty simple?

One tiny word. Inertia. Defined as "the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest." Basically, what's moving wants to stay moving and what's not moving wants to stay put. Overcoming that is the tricky part. Think back to when you were learning to drive standard (or to the one time you tried, made the car cry and gave up). Getting the car to start rolling in first was the hard part - once she was moving, getting her into second was pretty easy.

Habits work the same way. The first day is great - get the key in the ignition and get her started. The next few days might be great, they might not be. The second week - well, this is where the trouble starts. Gears start grinding, excuses are coming in at a mile a minute, and the urge to quit often overrides the motivation to keep pushing forward. This is often the make-it or break-it point in any given program - be it habit forming or habit breaking. This is where inertia kicks in - you have to be stronger than the object (or habit) you're trying to move. If you're not stronger, you at least have to be more determined than it, since inertia is simply the resistance to change. It's habit-stubbornness essentially. And unlike objects, habits are all in our head. They're patterns, samskara (the subconscious impression left behind by each act of volition) if you will, that have developed over time from nothing more than repetition.

So how do you overcome inertia? It takes a lot of conscious effort to make or break a habit. Nothing more. When I quit smoking years ago, it was a simple case of making that decision every time - to smoke or not to smoke. When we did the 30-day yoga challenge, it was the same decision every morning - to get on the mat or wimp out. Every time I made a decision that supported my goals, I was that much closer to changing my samskara.

Read that last paragraph again. The key is conscious effort - every time you do something, you have a choice. You have the power and ability to choose. Not surprisingly, this is what we teach in yoga. To create a space where you feel you have the space, time, and opportunity to make a choice rather than to merely react to the situation at hand. Your habit will keep moving (or not moving) until you (and only you) make the decision, every time, to change it.

SinS: I want you. Until you want me.

2010-09-03T20:47:00.000-04:00

I’ve been strangely quiet on this topic thus far. As someone who went through the awkward years surrounded by guys, my mind naturally gravitates towards the gutter. Sex was rarely an off-limits topic in our group, varying between hilarious and too much sharing. But as of late, my mind has been elsewhere, busy finalizing the details of my migration back to K-Dub, and working hard to find a paying job of some sort to support my lavish lifestyle.

Over the course of this job hunt, I have secured several awesome teaching contracts (mosey on over here to check out my growing schedule) and have run into a few interesting opportunities. One of them came in the form of a full-time personal training position at a popular franchise of small gyms. The job sounds great - the gyms are small, owner seems to really understand the business, the client base is pretty solid, etc. Like any normal person, as I started talking more seriously with the owner about the position, the race began to find myself as many teaching contracts and independent clients I could so I could make budget and not have to take the job. Perfectly illogical, n’est pas? But see, just the thought of taking this job makes my insides wring out - something just doesn’t sit right.

In discussing this job offer with my Dad (hell-bent on sticking me into a “real job”), he comments that he has yet to hear a decent reason for me not to take this position, simply a fear of commitment. Oh, if only he knew. But this is where the rationalization begins - what he sees as a fear of commitment, I see as a refusal to settle when I know or think I can keep pushing further. Life’s too short for bad jobs, bad coffee, and bad hugs. So why would I lock myself into a job that gives me the squeaks, when I think I can find something else?

What does this have to do with Sexless in September?

This doesn’t happen just with jobs. I’m like this with everything, particularly relationships to an extent. I want you, until you want me. Then I question your sanity and want to run. Now, I haven’t taken much time to decipher whether this is a fear of commitment, a love of the challenge, or just a byproduct of a wacky childhood (because when in doubt, blame the parents). It does make me wonder, though, to what end? When does the running, searching, interviewing, and exploring stop? When will it feel safe to settle into something - will it ever?

I spent a significant chunk of my life working hard to stay unattached, because as soon as I got comfortable it was inevitable that something or someone was going to swoop in and snatch the floor out from under me. So I’ve become accustomed to this quasi-gypsy lifestyle, going with the flow careful to stay as on my toes as possible, just in case.

I’m not sure there’s a right answer to this - to settle or not to settle, to take the job or keep looking. It all comes down to making a choice you’re ok with and can sleep on. Some of us will be Charlotte’s - constantly looking for the perfect husband ready to settle down at the drop of a hat (or salad fork), and some of us will be Samantha’s - determined to try it all, see it all, and experience it all.

Where do you lie on this scale? Are you happy with it, and how do you strike a balance between getting comfortable and staying stimulated by life?

Sexless, Strong & Skinny in September

2010-09-01T16:24:00.000-04:00

Over at Pranalife, we declared ourselves Sexless in September. I’ll admit, part of why we’re doing it is to stir the pot a bit in the yoga community, but there are other reasons, too. Check them out here, and share your thoughts on our challenge. Whether you’re for it or against it, we’d love to hear what you have to say!

In keeping with this theme, I’ve decided to take the time, effort and energy saved by this declaration and to put it to some dedicated use. Here at CookLiftStudy, we’ll be rocking Sexless, Strong and Skinny in September. What does this entail? It’s pretty simple, actually. For the next 30 days, in addition to going sexless, I’ll be comitting to at least 20 minutes of cardio and one other act of Strong & Skinny influence. Along the way I’ll be sharing sweet exercises, cardio tips that’ll kick your ass, delicious recipes and maybe even a few indulgences here and there.

So remember - follow over at Pranalife and keep checking back here, too!

Rock on!

Meditations

2010-08-04T19:53:00.000-04:00

In yoga we say that meditation is like locking yourself in a closet with a lunatic.

Well, what happens when you get inside that closet and you don’t recognize the lunatic? What if it’s someone you’ve been avoiding for the last 10 or 15 years? What if its a collection of everything you’ve said, done, or experienced that you never want to think about again? What if it’s a perfect clone of yourself that you’re just too afraid to meet?

What do you do? Do you sit down with your lunatic and get to know them a little better? Maybe take them for coffee or a drink and have a chat? Do you bolt out of the closet and lock them in with more locks than ever before? Do you ignore them entirely, and carry on your business of picking out shoes and maybe that long-forgotten polka-dot skirt from the closet?

I’m sure there’s no right answer, but it’s something to think about.

We all have those demons, secrets, and long-forgotten glitches in ourselves we’d like to just forget about and cover up. But where do they go? If we leave them there, do they lie dormant, waiting for a chance to sneak out? Do they grow bigger and more difficult to control? But if we sit down with them for that chat, we face the risk of actually having to confront them - to accept them as really being there. You know, that first step in any recovery program - admitting you have a problem.

Like I said, I’m sure there’s no right answer.

I think the best we can do is give it a try. At least crack open that closet door from time to time and see what’s inside. Heck, for all we know, it might be something totally awesome! But just in case it’s not, why not try getting to know the demon a little better? Afterall, it might not be that bad - it might just be a little caffeine deprived.

My challenge for this next little while is to practice taking that demon out of the closet. Maybe taking her for a coffee, or a walk, or just sitting with her in the safety of that closet and sorting some stuff out. The way I see it - worst case says, it’s absolutely awful. But truth is, then at least I’ll know what I’m dealing with and I can hopefully take the necessary steps to start piecing things back together.

Venting on Vices

2010-07-20T23:26:00.004-04:00

A little over a month ago, I made a list of my vices.

Sugar
Smoking
Taken boys
Multiple boys
Mindless eating
Procrastinating
Thinking I don't count

After the last few months of 30-day challenges and plenty of soul searching - here's where I stand with these.

Sugar: My love affair with M&Ms (and all other junk) has come to an end. I am, instead, rekindling my relationship with running shoes.

Smoking: I have been an on and off smoker for years. Yep. True story. And now - no more. EVER. 25 days clean, and its staying that way.

Taken boys: I am DONE being the other girl. Its not good from any side of the coin, no matter how you flip it. Yeah, sure, its fun for a while... maybe. But eventually, it all ends the same and no one wins. Lesson learned - repeatedly - and again - no more. Its time to bite the bullet and say those awful words I never thought I'd say... I can do better than this.

Multiple boys: I draw a pretty big blank on a lot of things dealing with 'conventional' dating (see above). Part of this is my lack of strict lines between friends and more than friends. This, as I'm sure you can imagine, occasionally leads to trouble. I'm working on it.

Mindless eating: I thought I'd get this one fixed with the Thrive! challenge. Not so much. Instead I managed to take my issues with food and make them infinitely worse. This has since led to even more eating issues that I am currently working through. I'm now thinking that challenges of any sort involving food are NOT a good idea.

Procrastinating: surprise! As for this one - its a work in progress.

Thinking I don't count: This little sucker has been my downfall for... well, as long as I can remember. I've always been some freak exception to the rule. And you know what - enough. I do count. I deserve better than crappy junk food or smoking because I'm in a funk. I'm no different than anyone else I harp on about proper eating and not smoking - so why am I not listening to my own advice? I can do better than taken or multiple boys. I deserve a boy all to myself. And if I can't find one, then I deserve to be happy all by myself. I count and my opinions and actions matter, so its about freaking time I made them worth something.

Namaste.

I believe...

2010-07-14T20:48:00.000-04:00

A few more things about me. Nothing too groundbreaking, but just rolling with the honesty theme.

I’m 22 and I sleep with a teddy bear.

His name is Charlie.

I love being alone, but hate being lonely.

I prefer to drive barefoot. With one foot up on the seat, if possible.

I will procrastinate until the end of time, but you can bet your ass if I set my mind on something, I will do it.

A good coffee will work miracles to cheer me up, second only to a good hug.

I really do believe babies are the best way to start people.

I am terrible at saying no. Especially if I have to mean it.

I believe that everything is possible. The impossible just might take longer, and require a little more creativitiy.

I believe that sometimes, you just have to walk away.

Thunderstorms and torrential down-pours don’t happen nearly enough.

I believe when you look good, you feel good.

Mark Twain said it best: “Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”

What do you believe?

YogaHappened

2010-07-07T20:49:00.001-04:00

Somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30 this morning I was sitting in a wicked modification of cow-face (thanks Lauren!), with my arms in a bind. My back was to the sun, and there was almost a breeze. I was staring off at the trees across the park when I was hit by this overwhelming sense of gratitude. I’m not sure what brought it on, but it hit like a ton of bricks, and I couldn’t help but smile. Here I was, sitting on my mat in the middle of a beautiful park practicing yoga on a weekday morning. I know how I got here, but what did I do to get here.

What I mean - I’m well aware I woke up at 5, got dressed and into my little car, drove the 100km drive up to Waterloo to meet up with whoever showed up this morning. But - how did I get to this point of being able to do just that on a total whim. To look at my schedule, think “yep, I can do it,” and then proceed to do just that. No planning, no discussing, no negotiating. Sound familiar? I’m thinking back to that 30-day challenge of 5am wakeups and 6am salutations.

And I am so grateful to be able to do silly things like this. To have made the sometimes tough decisions to keep my schedule in my own control. To shy- no, to walk intentionally away from a job that will put me in a box. To take the risks of inconsistent pay, frequent moves, less than awesome employers/clients/students, in stride and to make it work regardless. Now, I have had immense help and support to do this, and for that I am eternally grateful.

When I decided not to go to “Doctor school” (for now - in case Dad is reading), I made a deal with myself. I will work my tail off 11 (yes, eleven) months of the year so that I can afford one month off do with as I please. To travel, study, explore, visit, rest, you name it. Now, this may not happen right off the bat, but its a career goal. I do not want to spend my days working so that someday, down the line, I can take time off to enjoy life. I want to spend my days LOVING what I do, so that someday - when ever it just so happens - I can take off and really enjoy life as its happening. I refuse to be a slave to my job, because lets face it - life is way too short.

ahem ::steps off soapbox now:: Namaste!

Just sayin'...

2010-07-06T20:50:00.000-04:00

I am moving. Where? I don’t know. Somewhere in the KW area. When? I don’t know. Somewhere in the near future. I have looked at 6 places - some great, some not so much. None of them have screamed “home,” so I am still looking. I have taken rental applications from all of them, because I like having options and frankly don’t know how to say no. But its happening. And its happening on my terms.

Choose to be happy, Lindsay says. Be who you are, Asia says. Well - done and done. Ladies and gents, this is me. Take it or leave it. I don’t mind. The way I see it, I’m running. You are more than welcome to join me - its going to be awesome. If you’d rather not, thats fine - stick to the sidelines.

This diet - vegan or not vegan? Vegetarian maybe? Vegan between the hours of….? Choices, choices! For now - I’m lifting all restrictions and letting things settle into place. I actually gained weight eating vegan (no, not some herculian feat, I know - but still) because I wasn’t eating entirely properly. So for now, I focus on eating well, and sorting out the minutae as I go along.

Turns out the more I’m being pressured to “get a real job,” the more I see just how happy I am doing my own thing. And when that job I want doesn’t exist or isn’t available - well - I’ll create it instead.

Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. -Eleanor Roosevelt.

Catching Up and Starting Again

2010-07-01T20:51:00.001-04:00

The best way I can explain the last 30 days is this:

It felt like I was cramming for an exam, last minute. I had a general idea of what it was all about - whole foods, no animal byproducts, lots of fresh fruits, veg, and nuts, healthy fats, no sugar, no grains - just their “pseudo” cousins - but I had definitely not done all my reading. I went into the exam well unprepared, with a kitchen stocked for a different diet, and not enough recipies tried, tested, and mastered to take me through. I had no experience navigating a restaurant menu with yet another set of restrictions, let alone in a foreign country not exactly known for its ready-available access to fresh produce. To top it off, it was a rough month with several big events and certainly no lack of family stress, leaving me a little distracted to say the least.

Like every exam I’ve crammed for, just before taking the test, I always get this feeling that now I am ready to start studying for it. This challenge was no different. Now that I have completed 30 days, in what is probably not the most elegant of ways, I now feel ready to do it for real. As though this last month was just a preview or trial run. What absolutely ROCKS! is that in this case, unlike every exam I have ever written, I can totally do that. I can go back now and study, learn, play, and figure out how to make it work for me. Figure out how to incorporate all these incredible habits, practices, and tips into my life. While this challenge was definitely challenging, I am truly loving the results that have come from it.

I have been trying to figure out just what my diet will look like now that the challenge is over. I cannot say for absolutel fact what it will be, but it will likely be a hybrid. Mostly vegan (and of course gluten free), with a little bit of fish, some dairy in the form of yogurt, good cheese, and chocolate. There will be coffee, but probably not as much. Eggs will likely make their way back in, but again, in much lower amounts. I am going to keep away from sugar, as it seems to be really working for me. Basically, I will be eating what feels right, while continuing to make concious decisions about everything that lands on my plate.

As for July’s challenge - I’m bringing in a little honesty in an effort to achieve a little happiness and peace. Some of it is started over here, but I may be moving it over this way, to either the main page or my blog here.

July 1: Day 1 - again!

2010-07-01T20:51:00.000-04:00

I have made a commitment to start living a little more honestly. To “live my truth” as a good friend said. In order to do this, I have started making lists of “truths” as they surface day to day (you can find the past few days here). Its a bit of an experiment in self-discovery while I try to work through this outer layer of complacent political correctness I seem to have grown since moving to Southern Ontario. I may be Canadian born, but I am also Argentine raised and American trained, and with that comes a healthy dose of brutal honesty I am eager to get back. What better way to start than with myself? So here goes nothing.

“You reap what you sow, you know” - Mom.
I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people in the world.
I WILL be happy.
You are what you eat. You are what you think, too.
Bad days are completely optional. Occassionally necessary, but still completely optional.
Be a dimmer, not a light switch. Damnit. Be a dimmer, not a light switch. Be a dimmer, not a light switch. Be a dimmer, not a light switch. I will get this.
LIFT. Life is fucking tough. So I lift to stay stronger, run to stay faster, and bend to stay more flexible than anything it can throw my way. Best part: its not just phyiscal, but mental, too!

Day 4 Truth

2010-06-29T23:40:00.001-04:00

I hate sleeping alone.
I still can’t remember any of the good memories. Maybe it’s for the best.
I am learning.
You’re still not off my mind.
How stupid could I be?
No… no… NO…. nO…. no no no no no. See? I can say it!
I am out of shape!

Today's Truths

2010-06-27T22:15:00.001-04:00

This might be what growing up feels like.
No more playing invisible.
No more hypotheticals, what-ifs, coulda-woulda-shoulda’s.
I miss daily personal practice.
Being honest is a little scary, but feels oh so good once its over.
I will NOT read those stupid, stupid “essays.”
Oh so tired of pretending, so no more.

Live Your Truth

2010-06-27T00:43:00.005-04:00

A friend today told me to "live your truth." Its a daunting idea when you sit down to think about it. And it got me thinking - what a great thing to practice! Then it hit me - uh, crap. What exactly is my truth? So this is the start of the journey to figure that out. For the next little while - maybe another 30 day challenge(?) I'll be posting "My Truths" for the day. Not sure how this will turn out, or if I'll keep it up - today sucked. But we'll see where this leads.

My Truth

Its all so very messy.
I will not waste, yes – waste, any more 11:11 wishes on you.
I want to hurt.
Know what I miss most about our relationship? The pain. Knowing I wasn’t good enough. I hate that.
I. Just. Want. To. Know. Why. Is that so fucking hard? Too much to ask for?
Sorry you, sorry me, sorry everything in between.
I have a terrible relationship with food.
I want to be swallowed up in love, but I am so not ready for it. Way too messy.
I want to fight.
I should have never let you lie.
I hate you.
I have the best mom in the world.
I love my tiny little car.
Holding a purring kitten up to my belly might just be the next best thing to a day of cuddling under the covers.
I cheated. Turns out the chocolate I was “missing so bad” really isn’t all that good. Go figure.

Thriving - day 14

2010-06-14T20:53:00.000-04:00

Wow. Two weeks already!

First - a confession. This weekend I was bad. I picked up some GF oatmeal raisin cookies from my local awesome bakery. As I got home, I realized that in my bag of 4 cookies, two of them were chocolate chip. Gah! What’s a girl to do? So I deliberated, decided I would freeze them for later. And then I cracked and enjoyed them. Ugh. They were good, but not worth the self-imposed guilt of having “cheated”. And yesterday at a family gathering I was oh-so-good at - no coffee, no fresh right off the farm chickens my Grandpa raises, no salads with cheese - I had a merenge. I don’t even like them. And I really didn’t like that one. So… at two weeks - cheating isn’t worth it.

Today, after scouting the food court at the mall and finding… well… nil, I settled for steamed white rice and vegetables drowned in some sort of oil. Not what I wanted, but I was hungry. So it got me thinking. Is it healthy to avoid all these foods if ultimately I’m left with nothing but unhealthy choices? That seems a bit counter-intuitive. And after this weekend of non-worthy cheats, I’m starting to ponder what happens after these next 16 days.

I used to get so mad (and still do) when something would be unknowingly cross contaminated, and I’d break out despite being so careful with what I was eating. Not necessarily because it made me sick, though that was a big part of it, but also because I didn’t even get to enjoy something I really wanted. So I’m taking that thought into what follows on this challenge. I have learned to enjoy foods, to play with flavors and new ingredients. And I also really really miss foods I was probably taking advantage of. So what will likely happen is I will continue to avoid many of the foods I am keeping off my plate for this challenge, and allowing myself to indulge in things I truly want. I will thus be keeping my body clean, healthy and thriving 90-ish% of the time, and allowing myself that 10% wiggle room to enjoy and indulge, keeping me sane.

Update: day 14

2010-06-14T20:52:00.000-04:00

I just enjoyed one of Brandon’s Almond-Flax Burgers with a salad the size of an actual garden and was reminded of just how awesome this challenge has been. So I’m countering my last few grumpy posts with a list of the positives:

Grocery shopping is a breeze - produce section and the bulk barn and color me done!

My skin is slowly and stubbornly clearing up.

I don’t physically miss coffee anymore. Mentally - well, still working on it.

What kitchen garbage? Everything is compostable!

Energy is a lot more steady throughout the day.

I have relearned the value and importance of sleep.

Ginger Pear Smoothies. Say no more.

Discovering the Thrive Juice bar - mmmm….

I am back in the kitchen, playing with knives and food.

People around me are accepting it. Slowly. But its happening. Spreading a little more awareness!

Thats all for now! Rock on, and here’s to another delicious two weeks.

Day 11: Totally Thriving!

2010-06-11T20:54:00.000-04:00

Not sure if we’re out of the woods yet, but today was definitely a turning point. I still feel like my life has been put in a blender with the lid left off, but I’m working towards seeing the vega-green ceiling splatter as art, not mess now.

Taught two classes today, and it felt great. It is so nice to share space and practice with really motivated people. Thanks Lauren for letting me borrow your students for the day, they rocked!

Finally got to the Thrive Juice Bar - wow! Met the owner and the Thai Avocado Smoothie as Jonnie recommended, and it was delicious. Lasted me through my second class and the whole drive home.

I have come to a few awesome conclusions recently, which have inspired a few awesome decisions. Big decisions. It feels so good to have things settled. I have a goal, now all I have to do is get my feet pointed in the right direction and start moving. Possibly easier said than done, but still so doable.

Thrive: I am back on board with this challenge. I had a little glitch last night - went to Thai Sun and had the Veg Pad Thai - oh so good, and felt oh so rotten. I could have picked out the tofu to stick with my no soy, but decided to let it slide for the sake of protein (lame excuse, but my legs are STILL sore… something had to give). Not sure what the crappy feeling can be blamed on, likely a multitude of things, but my fingers are pointing full force at stress. Surprise.

Today: two smoothies, some raw cashews and almonds, a mango, a liter and a half of water, and my beloved Sport Optimizer later - I’m feeling great. Can’t wait to go home and test out a spin on the Almond Flax Burger - they are soooo good!

Keep thriving! If it all seems a little much - start small. Maybe try a smoothie for a snack or breakfast tomorrow. Or give Michael Pollan’s stance a try - vegan before 6pm. Or maybe just take note of how close to nature the food you’re eating really is. Its eye-opening to say the least. Rock on!

Confessions

2010-06-10T20:54:00.000-04:00

I haven’t been doing my daily practice. There really is no excuse, so I won’t put them up here.

I have found more sources of added sugar in my diet I am slowly working to cut out. Dried mango, cherries and cranberries, I’m looking at you.

I am counting down the days until this challenge is over. Not becuase I don’t like it, I’m actually enjoying it. Its brought me back into the kitchen with an open mind and a box full of new ingredients. It just seems like right now, my brain can only handle so much and this is really pushing my limits.

I am worried. In about a week, I’ll be Thriving overseas for a handful of days. It will be interesting. I am going with the mindset of doing this intelligently - which means if I have to ease up a little for the sake of feasibility, then so be it, but I will do my best.

I look forward to the weird, almost body-stone but a little buzzed effects of the Sport Optimizer. Ahem. Yes, I am a junkie, so I am trying to refrain from using it every day.

Onto the good:

I made the Ginger-Pear smoothie… Yum!!! I used a scoop of the Vanilla Chai meal optimizer and it is so, so good. I will definitely be making it again. See here for the recipe.

Things are looking up. Life has a plan (I can hear the laughing now, but thats ok) and I’m starting to feel some direction.

And finally, I am so freaking blessed to have so much support and encouragement. To be surrounded by all these awesome people with totally different shoes to fill daily, yet all working towards similar and incredible goals. I love it! Thank you!

Finding my Inner (letter writing) Canadian

2010-06-09T20:55:00.000-04:00

Dearest B. Brazier:

You promised faster recovery. You promised a revitalized, refreshed feeling. You advertise a diet that will, and yes, I quote, “make you look great, feel great, and increase your energy.” You talk about increased productivity, enhanced mood, and all sorts of beautiful, glorious things. Well, I hate to tell you, but little me here - 9 days in - is NOT feeling this.

I am exhausted. Sore as heck from a squat workout I did on Monday. Look, Mr Brazier, I understand that squats are tough, and increasing the weight will make me sore. I get that. Been doing this for a while. But a 5 (FIVE) pound increase on my squats should NOT have me limping around like this two days later. This is unheard of. My brain feels fuzzy. My body aches, joints creak, and I can’t seem to get enough sleep no matter what time I clap off the lights. My hands are breaking out again, despite an even cleaner diet, and my gut hasn’t a clue whats going on.

Now, I know it has only been nine days. You warn us of a “detox” period, with all these symptoms. I’m just letting you know, so far, I’m raising my left eyebrow at you and your devilish scams to consume gardens and gardens of green leafy vegetables. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were a lettuce lobbiest. So. I am putting you on warning and giving you until the end of the month. I will hold true to your vegan guidelines, scrape the cheese off my sandwich (that I dutifully asked for none on) though it pains me to do so. I will neglect my beloved coffee in favor of some high maintenance uncaffeinated, un-milked, un-sweetened, organic, whole leaf herbal tea. I will put my food processor through the tireless act of making your admittedly delicious burgers and smoothies. All for the sake of giving your big dreams a try.

And Brandon, if I may call you so, I do wish you to be right. I want to prove to my nay-saying friends that being a strong, healthy, happy athlete and a vegan are not mutually exclusive.

Yours in desperate awaitings of health, strength and happiness,

Me.

Thriving in the Kitchen

2010-06-08T20:56:00.000-04:00

Curried Chickpeas and Other Delicious

I’d had this idea in my head since Lindsay blogged about curried chickpeas over rice the other day. So I finally broke down and made it. Added bonus: It inspired me to pull out an old cookbook that, as it so happens, is FULL of awesome recipes that are easily adpated to Vegan eating. If you haven’t heard about him, check out John Berardi (another yummy Canadian) and his gorgeous cookbook, Gourmet Nutrition.

Anyways - the recipe. I played with it a little, so here’s the general breakdown

1/2 Onion (small dice)

3 heads Baby Bok Choi (chopped)

2 cups Cauliflower (small-ish dice)

3 cloves Garlic (minced)

1tbsp Ginger (grated)

1/2c Coconut Milk (stirred well)

1-3tsp Curry Powder (to taste)

1 can Chick Peas (drained and rinsed)

Salt and Pepper (to taste)

Sautee the onion until translucent. Add in bok choi and cauliflower and sautee 2-3min. Add 1tbsp coconut milk, garlic, ginger and curry powder. Stir and simmer 2-3min. Add in remaining coconut milk and chick peas. Stir to combine and simmer until heated through. Taste and adjust seasonings. Enjoy!

You can sub in/out any veggies you like. I had this on some quinoa, and it was delicious. I think I might add some carrots next time, too.

I’ve also tried Brendan’s Almond burgers - delish! Though my poor food processor had a bit of a hard time. And the Apple Cinnamon Energy Bars - they’re tasty, but still very soft, so I’m going to try a different recipe and play around with it a little. Might even stick them in the dehydrator to make them crunchy…. hmm.

Namaste, and happy eating!

The end of another Honeymoon

2010-06-07T20:57:00.000-04:00

Phew! And what a rough honeymoon it was. Unlike May’s challenge, where the first week was glowing, enlightening, and filled with asanawesomness, this one has been painful, messy, sleepy, and occassionally irritable. Between the full on body-aches from caffeine withdrawl, absolute exhaustion from countless stressors, and defending this challenge daily, I’m glad its over. One week down. Another three to go, and I’m not banking on any miracles here. We’re warned from the get go that purging all the toxins, withdrawls from stimulants and readjusting to some whole, clean eating isn’t necessarily a walk in the park. I’ve chosen to embrace it and to use all these aches and pains as learning tools.

If I’m this tired now (sans caffeine), despite getting plenty of sleep, what the heck was I running on before? I’m recognizing patterns. Feel sleepy: reach for coffee. Perk up: run faster, lift harder, bend deeper, go-go-go. Crash: reach for sugar. Perk up: run faster, lift harder, bend deeper, go-go-go. Crash: reach for coffee. Perk up: run faster, lift harder, bend deeper, go-go-go. Crash. Lather, rinse, repeat, each time getting successfully worse. So now, there’s no perk up - and I’m feeling it. The last few days have felt like complete crashes. My energy is crap, my joints feel like someone’s been pouring cement in them all night, my head hurts just a little, I can’t think quite right. Um. Not how I’d define a healthy body.

Just like the last challenge, I’m already seeing this challenge work its way off my plate and into life. I’ve set my mind to cutting out allergens, preservatives, and just unnecessary foods for a month. To give my body a change to recalibrate and reset. To figure out what it needs, what is useful to it, and what it doesn’t that I can get rid of or maybe just save for the odd time here and there. Off the plate, I’ve found myself taking stock of relationships and situations in my life, seeing what works, what doesn’t, what I need to walk away from - if even just for a little while - and what I need to work on (my lettuce people).

Here’s to another week!

Day 4: Intentions

2010-06-04T20:57:00.000-04:00

As teachers, we’re constantly teaching and reading that “How we are on the mat is how we are in life.” Well, its looking like “how we are on the plate is how we are in life,” too. I just read Asia’s post and it could have been me writing it.

For the last forty five days, I have come to the mat each morning and set an intention. Whether it was to just get through the salutations, or to do a full vinyasa practice, or to focus on my breath, or to understand shoulder stand a little better, or to really, really greet the sun - there was an intention for what I was doing. It was mindful, deliberate, and focused. David Swenson says “There is a difference between doing yoga and simply making an asana of ourselves.” Well, I’m thinking there is a difference between eating and really nourishing ourselves.

Food and I have had a troubled relationship for as long as I can remember. For much of my life, eating made me feel sick. Not knowing why, and with doctors unable (unwilling?) to diagnose what was wrong, it was just easier to not eat than to endure the pain that almost inevitably followed. Later on, meal times became the battleground for family wars of all shapes, sizes and varieties. So it became easier to sleep through them or conveniently sneak off to the gym instead. Then a few years ago, as I worked my way into the bodybuilding community, food became fuel. Something you eat because you have to.

Truth be told, I’m not quite sure what foods I actually enjoy and what ones I don’t anymore. So much of my meal choices over the last few years have been dictated by what I can eat and what has the best macronutrient breakdown, that I’ve forgotten to factor enjoyment into it all. I’ve been practicing mindless eating, complete with the flailing around of forks and knives.

I know it could be done at any time if I set my mind to it, but I am so grateful to have the support of some awesome peers to stick with this challenge. My intention for this challenge is to change my relationship with food. To sit down at every meal and really enjoy what I’m eating. To set an intention of sorts when it comes to ingredients, meals, and eating. To stop mindless snacking, eating because I’m bored, and eating things that I don’t really like.

Thrive for 2 and 3

2010-06-03T20:58:00.000-04:00

3 days in and here’s what I’ve learned:

Vega Whole Food Health Optimizer in Vanilla Chai - not awful, but needs a little help. Berries were a good start.

Giving up coffee, sugar, dairy, and eggs all in one shot - Ow! I enjoyed some much forgotten about full body aches and cramps yesterday, likely due to a lack of caffeine. Today, we’re bridging the gap - maybe 4-6oz of coffee before my practice this morning and a green tea with a friend. Tomorrow, one of those goes. Baby steps here…

Its so much more fun to think of all the incredible things I can eat, not the small handful of things I will be leaving off my fork.

I am BACK! in the kitchen. And it feels awesome. Staring into the depths of the pantry contemplating meal ideas, nutrient combinations, and new yummy flavors. I forgot how much I missed this, and didn’t realize how lazy I’d gotten.

Vega Sport Performance Optimizer in Acai: surprisingly yummy. Tried a half-scoop with lots of water. It definitely helped me blast through the midafternoon “someone please get me to bed or find me a coffee or at least let me sit in a corner and cry because it hurts to hold myself up and I don’t want to anymore” without feeling jittery or wired.

I am le tired. I didn’t realize just how much of my energy came from these “energy debt” causing foods. Go figure. Looks like its time to pay up now.

I am still loving waking up to do the full primary. I could do without the 5:48am alarm, but truth be told, its so worth it to come off the mat ready to face the day. Full headstand today - no wall support. I’m getting my balance back!

In other news: I’m working on getting a class together for Saturday afternoon, around either 3 or 4:00 if anyone is interested in coming. Just let me know and I’ll send you details!

Thrive Day 1

2010-06-01T20:58:00.000-04:00

Ah yes. I remember this feeling. The overwhelming sensation of “OMG, what the hell am I going to eat now” after realizing just how much of my diet was made up of a certain food. The last time this happened was nearly 3 years ago when I decided to boot gluten from my plate for good. I distinctly remember standing in the cereal aisle, hell bent and determined to find ONE cereal that I could still eat. And leaving, almost fighting back tears. This wasn’t a 30-day challenge, it was forever, and it was forcing me to give up what felt like everything I was used to eating. No cereal, oats, granola bars, bagels, and then it got worse. Turns out that stuff is in EVERYTHING. So out went sauces, spice mixes, soups, dressings, and even some cheeses (blue, I’m looking at you and your mold). And you know what I was left with after that final clean out? Well, besides a pretty empty pantry, a house full of fresh fruits and veggies, yogurt, cheeses, meats, rice, new whole grains like quinoa, nuts, beans, and spices. It took a little adjusting, but before I knew it, I felt fantastic!

This Thrive diet is feeling a lot like that. I eat a decently healthy diet (save the odd M&M love affair here and there, oh and my complete addiction to sugar). Lots of fresh fruits and veggies, whole grains if I’m eating any, eggs, lean meats, dairy. Generally whole foods, no preservatives, sweetners, processing, blah blah blah. Now I pick up this book, and its back to that day in the cereal aisle. How did I consume so much dairy and not even notice?! My breakfast has milk in my coffee and cottage cheese and jam on rice crackers, lunch - usually a salad with some kind of cheese and maybe leftover meats, afternoon smoothie - cottage cheese and yogurt, and dinner - usually meat of some kind with veggies. So now… uhhhh…. no meat, no problem. No eggs, I can work with that. No soy, eh, I’ll miss my edamame, but ok. No dairy? Ohhhh no.

Now, I get the point, and I love it. I’ve actually been toying with cutting dairy out for a while. I have once before right when I cut gluten out. So, as we say in spanish, poder se puede. Maybe this was just the kick I needed - a world class professional super marathoner on a mission to make us all reconsider what lands on our plate and to make us a little healthier in the process - to tell me to cut the crap and just give it a go for a month.

I am eternally grateful for having done 40-days of yoga first. It seems actually a lot less daunting now, just 2 hours a day on the mat. This sucker is every meal, every day. A whole new level of commitment,m so its nice to know that its only 30 days. If it gets rough, this too shall pass, there will be ups and downs, and soon Lindsay will be reunited with her sushi!

Day 41

2010-05-31T20:40:00.000-04:00

I slept in today - sweet, sweet sleep. Though, as I’ve been reading, this is likely a sign of simply too much stress. This constant need for sleep, waking up tired, crawling into bed every chance I get is simply my body’s little way of saying “enough!”

I got to the mat with no plans, just an intention to salute the sun and see what happens. After 2 salutations, I started thinking, maybe I’ll come back and do this later. I’ve got stuff to do. My NEW negotiator took over, saying “its just 15 minutes to roll through the salutations, lets go.” So we did. Next thing I know, I’m halfway through the standing series, then working my way into Marachyasana D, and before I knew it, I was in tolasana breathing my last couple breaths. I LOVE how this has become such a natural process now. Just breathe, flow, hold, breathe, vinyasa, breathe. Lather, rinse, repeat.

This month brings along a new challenge - the Thrive Diet. I just started the book yesterday, and already I’m intrigued. I mentioned this to some friends, and a hellstorm ensued. Questions, debates, and all sorts of assumptions flowed. Yet no one asked me WHY I was doing it. So here’s my why for doing this challenge.

Eliminating all of the most common allergens/intolerances from my diet
Reducing my carbon footprint
Reduce cravings and dependence on sugar and caffeine
It’s 30 days. A short adventure at most.
I have absolutely nothing to lose here. And so much to gain. Experience, knowledge, and another challenge successfully completed.

For those who are against this, I ask you to please do a little reading and a little contemplation. I’m not asking you to change your ways, nor am I saying they’re wrong. No need to get defensive. I’m simply giving this a try. Who knows, maybe you’ll learn a little something from it too.

Namaste!

Day 40! Just a quick one today.

2010-05-30T20:34:00.001-04:00

Whew! We made it! A challenge complete, and finished with an amazing practice with the one and only JP.

It was a crazy adventure, full of ups and downs, and I don’t for one second regret any part of it. 4:30-6:00am wake ups and all. I learned so much about myself, this thing we call yoga, and even a little bit more about this crazy world we live in. More on these lessons to come.

Right now, I’m off to read more about this 30-day Thrive Diet, as this will be my next commitment. I am also commiting to another 30 days of yoga. It may not be full-primary every time, but I will meet my mat and salute the sun every day for the next 30. I spent the last month building and learning a new incredible habit, and I am not ready to walk away from it.

Thanks for following! Namaste.

Day 35, 36 and 37

2010-05-27T20:32:00.000-04:00

I had this whole post typed up yesterday. A sort of grumpy one, but it ended on a happy note. Aaaandddd the blog ate it. So… I’m taking it as a sign. No one needed to read my pout. Long story short. Shitty practice yesterday morning because my mat decided to betray its “sticky” title and become a skating rink. So after my class I skipped over to Lulu and after talking with the surfer-cool sales guy, I would like to welcome The Mat into my practice. So far, I’m loving it - despite it weighing possibly more than me.

Today was amazing! I went up to Waterloo to practice with Kristina for her last day. It was so great to share a space again, and three of us ended up pretty well in sync for the whole practice, which was kinda cool. Since most of my practices are at home, I really love the odd chances to practice with other people (outside of a class setting). I also took advantage of having mirrors around to reconcile any differences between my imagined alignment and what it actually was. It also gave me a chance to play around with plank and trikonasana - two postures that have eluded me for a while.

Like everyone else it seems, this challenge has really shaken this things up, both in my practice and in life. I’m still feeling like I’m sitting in a big pile of former-self rubble, and right now its dusty, dirty, and messy. But it needed to happen. I’d gotten lost in other people’s expectations of me coupled with my own insecurities. Its all being stripped right back down to the foundation now, getting ready to start over. Turns out there’s a really strong girl there who doesn’t take crap from anyone. She’s back now. So this time, I’m rebuilding with intention, strength and determination.

Namaste!

Day 34 and 35

2010-05-25T20:29:00.000-04:00

I’m tempted to call yesterday a bad day, but it really wasn’t. I really think it was just a day I desperately needed off but didn’t have. After 10-days straight of work, clients, classes, schedules and not-enough-time-to-sit-and-read-my-book, I just needed a day that wasn’t run by a clock. So I crammed a mini weekend into my morning instead. This meant I didn’t get to the mat, but I think I needed that more than I did another 5 breaths in navasana. Despite this, I did make it onto my mat late last night. I unrolled it with no expectations, contemplating a meditation on Space. Instead I had a backwards practice to match my day - did a few salutations, worked through some standing series, and played with a couple postures I haven’t done on my own in a while. I spent a lot of time in downdog and dolphin, exploring the nuances yet again. It wasn’t a stellar or enlightening practice, but I loved the freedom to just play on the mat.

Today was totally different. I got to the mat this morning ready to rock. Went through the “full” primary, despite my negotiator threatening a protest after the standing series. I worked through it instead, knowing it was just BS from the weekend creeping up. As I did, I noticed myself stopping frequently to “think” because I couldn’t when I was holding a pose. DUH. Thats the point. To not think, to still the mind, to put all that crap aside and focus on right now. It was such a stupid realization, something that I’ve read, taught, practiced, and yet, today I was discovering it all over again.

I love how this whole challenge has really been a series of waves - intense realization followed by more subtle incorporation into practice, which is then reinforced by more realization. Every day on the mat has brought on something new to learn, practice, question and grow.

—lift—

Hangover Yoga - Day 33

2010-05-23T20:29:00.000-04:00

When I lived in NC, one of the rock radio stations had a program on Sunday mornings called “Hangover Cafe,” where they’d play acoustic tracks exclusively. The songs still rocked, but there was always something less intense about them, changing the sound and feel of the music. My practice this morning was a lot like an acoustic version of what I had been doing up until now.

I got to the mat late after a weird night, and made a conscious decision to get rid of any studio editing and just see where it took me today. No rush, no counting, no deciding to do or not to do postures. It was my first time back to the full primary after a couple days of easing off, and I think I fell in love with it all over again. I managed to stay focused through most of it, noticing different alignments and drawing up new questions to take back to Swenson and Maehle.

—Rock on and stay strong!—

Day 32 - Yoga in Fast-forward

2010-05-22T20:27:00.000-04:00

Saturdays seem to be my toughest mornings. I repeatedly wake up wanting the full series, time to ease my way through practice, lingering in postures that feel they need it. Yet I’m faced with the reality of an 8am shift and absolutely no possible way to haul my night-owl butt out of bed before 6:30 - sometimes 6 if I’m lucky. So I practice yoga in fast forward. Today I flowed through Swenson’s 30-min short form. I’m glad I did it, but it wasn’t pretty nor pleasant. I never did make it back on the mat last night, and I was greeted with a surprisingly stiff body today. It felt like somene had poured contact cement in my joints. A full primary would have been awesome, but it is what it is, and I’m now more determined than ever to carve out the time for it every other morning of the week. Saturdays will be my 7th day practice - where I deviate from the full series either into a short version or something completely different.

It feels like we’re all starting to really see and feel the benefits of this challenge, but slowly losing the awesome momentum we started with. We’re just shy of a week out - so lets really make these last few days count and show ourselves what we’re made of!

Day 31

2010-05-21T20:06:00.000-04:00

My practice today left something to be desired - I ended up doing just a handful of Surya A’s before rolling into savasana. Not sure what was going on, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I then spent my morning in a funk before a friend jokingly told me to “snap out of it” - and it worked. I went on to teach a wicked 90min “hatha” class (ended up being more like a ‘gentle power yoga’). Every time I get to the top of my not-so-sticky-anymore mat to teach now, I say my endless “thank you’s” to this challenge for giving me the confidence to just go with it.

I’m looking forward to getting back on the mat tonight to give the primary another chance. All the posts up today have been awesome inspiration - I love it :-)

Day 30. Yeah. You heard me.

2010-05-20T20:05:00.000-04:00

To all you nay-sayers, procrastinators, doubters, negotiators, excuse-makers, and just plain lazy-I-don’t-wanna-do-it-ers… Bring it! Brain - I’m looking at you here. You all tried your best, but I did it anyways!

I woke up smiling, two minutes before my first alarm. My new favorite song came on with my second alarm, and after 20 minutes or so of cleaning out the brain cobwebs, I got out of bed. Texted Kristina, turned on the heater to knock out the chill, unrolled my mat, grabbed a bite of breakfast and coffee and got to the top of my mat. Sharing the same experience Lindsay talked about - there was no negotiation. Yeah, my neck was kinked up pretty bad and my low back was pissed, but much like the notion of fuzzy teeth, the idea of creaky joints all day just wasn’t doing it for me.

I started into my salutations with the same CD I’ve been using for a while - its a “yoga” cd of sounds of the ocean or something of the sort. Its not my usual style, but I found it works better than the usual music I like to bend to when theres so much other activity happening in the house above me. Today, it just wasn’t working, so after my salutations, I switched over to Tool - and rocked my primary. I did a shortened version of the series today, skipping a lot of the lotus and bound postures for the sake of my knees which have been achey lately. I also skipped shoulder and headstand (much to my disappointment - I’m actually quite smitten with them currently) to give my neck a break.

The tooth brushing analogy that started this whole challenge has really stuck with me. Just like brushing my teeth - which ranges anywhere from a quick brush to freshen up to a full on floss, mouthwash, tooth polishing extravaganza - my practice seems to follow a similar flow. Some days, like today, its a short version to get moving, dust off the joints and work out some kinks, and others its a full vinyasa, Swenson channeling, Josh-worshipping fiesta. Regardless, its becoming a non-negotiable part of my day.

The idea came to me today to try a practice without counting breaths - to hold each posture until I was ready to let it go. I have found myself clinging to that 5-breaths guideline as a bit of a crutch and negotiation tool, so I want to try practicing without it, just focusing on being present in the posture and with my breath. Probably won’t happen until Sunday when I have time for a full practice.

Rock on!

Don't think. Day 29.

2010-05-19T20:04:00.000-04:00

First off: WOOT! almost at the 30-day mark and still l-o-v-i-n-g it! Actually, I think I’m loving it even more now. I remember starting, feeling like 30 days would take so long and that it was almost scary to be committing to it. It dawned on me today that I have committed to far more negative, destructive habits for YEARS without so much as batting an eye, so why should this 30-days of a totally wicked-awesome practice be so challenging? Ahem, besides the up-with-the-sun part.

“Still the mind” they say. Uh, yeah, sure. My brain is like a sugar-buzzed ADHD kid on speed. On a good day. Its a constant battle through practice, savasana, and just every day really. I find myself constantly thinking, questioning, analyzing, explaining my way days away. It becomes extremely obvious when I’m on the mat, trying to silence those chattering monkeys. It has yet to happen naturally, leaving me in a constant battle between moments of silence and long periods of chatter. Today was no different - I had a great practice in spite of my body being determined to remind me of every pound lifted in last night’s workout. But my mind kept wandering. The more I tried to silence it, the more discouraged I got. Leaving me stuck, again, between frustration and defeat.

It hadn’t occurred to me until I sat down to write this, and as I contemplate four more years of school, that I have spent the last 22 years learning. Teaching my brain to think, question, explain and analyze everything it comes across. It seems a bit ridiculous now to expect to reverse all those years of conditioning in just a few hours and weeks. It’s going to take time to still the mind, just like it took time to coerce my hamstrings into anything resembling a forward fold. Back to the beginning… “practice, practice, all is coming.”

Rock on!

Four weeks - another hump day?

2010-05-18T20:03:00.000-04:00

Today was the day that almost broke me. Just two days away from the 30-day mark, and 12 from the 40. I woke up exhausted, and not fully aware of why my alarm was ringing. I got in and out of bed a couple times, but ultimately slept until noon. I’ve been feeling the effects of having no weekend (or any day off, really) for a while now, and this morning was the final straw. Everything has been achey, and I’ve been fighting this almost-sick feeling for a few days now, so I felt no guilt in hiding under the covers with a kitten wrapped around my head for a few extra hours. The 6am practice is AWESOME most days, but on days that it’s not, I need to work out a way to fit it in anyways. There’s no other way to keep this up as a daily practice otherwise.

When I did finally get on the mat, I began negotiations, though I felt stronger than I have in days. I did cheat and only do 3 salutations, but other than that, I worked my way through the series, skipping the lotus postures to spare my knee. As I moved through, my mind raced ahead to pick a new posture to try and sweet talk its way out of although I know full well I enjoy the full series and always feel a bit short skipping important postures. Its a direct reflection on my life really - I’m constantly coming up with excuses for not getting out and having fun when I know it’ll be a blast if I just suck it up and go.

Practice went as usual today, my mind drifting between total focus on breath to anything but. I’ve been getting these strange urges to either throw some punches or hunker down in a protective child’s pose the last few days. Not entirely sure what its about, so I’m just observing with a “hmm, how interesting” approach.

Back to rocking the mat bright and early tomorrow.

Nothing Special - Day 27

2010-05-17T20:03:00.000-04:00

Today’s practice wasn’t revolutionary, particularly enlightening, frustrating, or anything. It just was. I did my stuff, skipped a few postures, calmly ignored my negotiator with the ever-dreaded parental “we’ll see” to her constant pleas to skip vinyasas and shorten up the salutations. I ended up doing a full practice, and feel great. I love how this is slowly becoming a conscious but fairly undebated part of my day.

Namaste!

Day 26 At the Studio!

2010-05-16T20:01:00.000-04:00

Today was a fantastic day! I was finally able to practice at the Studio with the rest of the group. It was so different to be practicing with mirrors on the wall and other people in the room doing their own thing. Today marks my first mysore practice with others around and it was totally different. Having others around was a little distracting at first, but as I got into it, it actually served as a useful reminder. I was starting to speed through the series, ‘overtaking’ some of the others when I noticed my breaths had gotten short. It was nice to have a sort of reference point of others practicing to keep me aware of my own pace. We were all doing our own variation of the Primary Series, yet somehow three of us ended up almost completely in sync near the end.

I left the studio feeling great! After a great dinner and crappy night to follow, I felt totally refreshed. The sun was shining, and I had a whole day ahead of me to enjoy. I’m back to my own practice tomorrow, and looking forward to seeing if anything changes.

Day 25 - Bleh

2010-05-15T20:01:00.000-04:00

Woke up feeling very non-yogic, torn between wanting to break someone’s fingers and jaws to justify their silence and just crawling back under the covers, so a nice long, focused practice would have been great. I got on the mat today with a heavy body and busy mind, knowing I had only a few precious minutes to squeeze in a couple salutations and savasana before running off to work. I stood in Samasthiti for a couple breaths and when I went to get started, I felt so ready to dive straight into the full series I was actually disappointed I didn’t have enough time. Ahem. Still working on the non-attachment thing on so many levels!

Congrats to everyone for making it over the 2-week mark!

UPDATE: Just taught a super-beginners class and totally kicked my stormy funk to the curb. First - I had no idea what we were going to do, and taught way better than when I had every posture, vinyasa and transition written down. Thank you Primary Series! Second - Even more so than when I practice, I had to leave all my own crap at the door, which gave me the option of just leaving it there after class. And Third - I was reminded, yet again, it’s just yoga.

Rock on.

Day 24

2010-05-14T20:00:00.000-04:00

So… I left off with the notion of moderation. On Wednesday, I wound up doing my own practice in the morning, followed by a challenging but incredible class right after. I followed it up with another slightly less challenging class in the evening, and then a run. I was already sore going into the evening class, so I was thinking of bailing when it occurred to me that just because it was a challenging class, I didn’t have to push myself to the limit. I went to class with the intention of LISTENING to my body, taking advantage of being sore and tired in a tough class to really force myself to come into modifications or just out of poses entirely. It was a great experience, and really made me focus on my breath (and notice the habit of biting my lip when I’m striving). The run after that sucked! My legs felt heavy, my hips destroyed. Again, I tried (a little less successfully) to practice ahimsa and cut the run short. All in all - a very educational day.

Thursday (Day 23), I woke up to hips that were… tired. My joints were achey from all the work the day before, and even before getting out of bed my mind was hard at work with excuses and how I’d back out of the primary series. It hit me suddenly that this was 30 days of DOING Yoga Challenge, not 30 days of thinking-about-and-sometimes-doing-but-more-often-finding-excuses-not-to-do Yoga Challenge. So I unrolled my mat and plonked my feet at the top. I was going to practice, something, somehow. The first few salutations were heavy and slow, but after that I really got going. I did my Surya B’s in two’s, flowing in and out from Utkatasana. I found it gave me less of a chance to fidget between the cycles, and they flowed so much better! The rest of the practice went well. I skipped a few postures (some Janu’s and Mari’s B & D) in the interest of time and sore knees. When I got to Savasana, I couldn’t get still (and was cold!), so about 6min in I came out of it, sat up, did my breath and was about to close my practice when I got a better idea. I grabbed a blanket off my bed and laid back down, taking a second savasana. More learning.

Bringing us to today. I got up early (or, rather, I didn’t fight my alarm for an hour) and got moving so my joints could warm up and settle down. I find taking 30-40min before starting practice really makes a difference to how it all feels. I suggested to Kristina that we set our intention to really salute the sun today, to see if we could get it to shine. (It Worked!) I stayed with my breath through the salutations, not stopping to fidget at all through five A and Bs. This is a first for me. I did all my B’s through Utkatasana again - and am loving how it keeps me focused. I found I was a lot more connected to my breath, and didn’t lose it nearly as often when I change sides for Warrior A.

Can’t wait to bring out the sun again tomorrow!

Moderation - Day 22

2010-05-12T19:59:00.000-04:00

I’m still struggling to get to bed early, so 6am this morning came far too soon. After a false-start on the mat, I came to the top and finally stood in samastiti. I seem to unconsciously flow through the series without ever really standing tall and regrounding, so today I worked on that. I flowed through 5 A and B’s, working out the kinks and aches in my body. I worked through the standing series, it all feels so natural now, linking one movement to the next with a smooth inhale and exhale. I was able to stay focused today, leaving the chattering monkeys to sleep in a few more hours.

Bring it, Bitch, and other zen thoughts.

2010-05-11T19:58:00.000-04:00

I’m starting to feel like an addict going through rehab. The process of forming strong, solid, good habits is eerily similar to that of breaking destructive bad habits. We start off so strong, completely determined, then the shiny wears off, and we struggle to keep up. Then we catch a second wind and things are great until one day we get blindsided and stumble again. We keep going through this cylce of going strong and stumbling, each time picking ourselves up and getting a little stronger, a little more determined to keep going.

I’ve spent the last few practices (some better than others) with Asia’s words in my head. Its just the attitude change I needed to confront that nagging little brat that’s constantly trying to hold me back. As soon as I notice her kicking up excuses, I stop, refocus, take a deep, loud ujjayi breath and drown her out. “Bring it, Bitch.” I’m not asking her politely to leave, so she can come back in a couple days/weeks/months and start over. I may be Canadian born, but I am American trained. This is an all-out phyiscal war. I am stronger, faster, and far more bendy than her excuse-making self will ever be.

Question...

2010-05-08T19:58:00.000-04:00

As I work my way into week three of this challenge, I find myself occasionally battling the question of commitment vs listening to my body. Today was another day where I woke up (late), and just wasn’t feeling it. I got on my mat and it all felt wrong. My head was all over the place and my body wasn’t moving. I talked myself into doing a short version today as a sort of compromise between my commitment to practice daily and my body’s demand to just not do it today.

I struggled, argued, and debated myself the entire practice. It felt so forced - like I was there because I had to be. Even when I was done, instead of the usual “well, at least I did it, I feel much better now” feeling I get, I was just frustrated. Which makes me wonder - where do we draw the line between the commitment and common sense? Should I have maybe done some salutations, realized it wasn’t happening, and done something else instead? A seated meditation maybe, or some breath work? Should this feeling come up again, I think that’s exactly what I’ll do, leaving the option open to come back to the mat later in the day.

Questions

2010-05-08T08:39:00.004-04:00

As I work my way into week three of this challenge, I find myself occasionally battling the question of commitment vs listening to my body. Today was another day where I woke up (late), and just wasn't feeling it. I got on my mat and it all felt wrong. My head was all over the place and my body wasn't moving. I talked myself into doing a short version today as a sort of compromise between my commitment to practice daily and my body's demand to just not do it today.

I struggled, argued, and debated myself the entire practice. It felt so forced - like I was there because I had to be. Even when I was done, instead of the usual "well, at least I did it, I feel much better now" feeling I get, I was just frustrated. Which makes me wonder - where do we draw the line between the commitment and common sense? Should I have maybe done some salutations, realized it wasn't happening, and done something else instead? A seated meditation maybe, or some breath work? Should this feeling come up again, I think that's exactly what I'll do, leaving the option open to come back to the mat later in the day.

Routine?

2010-05-07T19:57:00.000-04:00

Woke up, glared at the alarm, got my “goodmorning” texts from the YTT crew. Unrolled my mat, grabbed a quick bite, turned on some music and got to greeting the sun. I worked through the series, my mind skipping in and out of focus before landing in savasana. I didn’t take time to dread any postures, there was no debating the vinyasas, it just flowed. I took extra breaths when needed, and played with headstand. I wondered about what will happen once the end of May approaches and this challenge comes to an end. I’m worried I’ll be losing my reason to roll out of bed and onto my mat, so I’m dreaming up ways to keep myself accountable. I thought about following Rolf Gates’ (Meditations from the Mat) through a year of practice. Or setting up another challenge. We’ll see where it leads.

Namaste!

Routine?

2010-05-07T08:40:00.001-04:00

Woke up, glared at the alarm, got my "goodmorning" texts from the YTT crew. Unrolled my mat, grabbed a quick bite, turned on some music and got to greeting the sun. I worked through the series, my mind skipping in and out of focus before landing in savasana. I didn't take time to dread any postures, there was no debating the vinyasas, it just flowed. I took extra breaths when needed, and played with headstand. I wondered about what will happen once the end of May approaches and this challenge comes to an end. I'm worried I'll be losing my reason to roll out of bed and onto my mat, so I'm dreaming up ways to keep myself accountable. I thought about following Rolf Gates' (Meditations from the Mat) through a year of practice. Or setting up another challenge. We'll see where it leads.

Namaste!

Two week hump (day 16)

2010-05-06T19:57:00.000-04:00

Woke up to only one alarm today (instead of the usual 3), and felt energized and ready to go. My legs were sore, but it wasn’t slowing me down. I set my intention today to get through all five Surya B’s without stopping to fidget, get water, move things, shuffle around, etc. To stay on my mat, with my breath, and to move. It felt great. My legs were heavy, but the more I moved, the better everything felt.

The elusive “they” say it takes two weeks to make or break a habit. Today I think marks that two-week barrier for me. The full series is starting to feel really comfortable now. It flows, with and without the vinyasas, and I no longer need Swenson to keep me company. My mind is quieter, my breath longer, and my flight is almost there!

Also - I got into headstand today, keeping my knees bent, and was able to hold it for 20 BREATHS with only slight toe taps on the wall to occasionally recenter. It felt unbelievable.

For those coming up on week two - if its anything like mine, it grinds. The intital novelty wears off, and your body starts to get tired. Keep working with it, it gets better, and the rewards are incredible. This is were it becomes a committment.

Two week hump - day 16

2010-05-06T08:20:00.004-04:00

Woke up to only one alarm today (instead of the usual 3), and felt energized and ready to go. My legs were sore, but it wasn't slowing me down. I set my intention today to get through all five Surya B's without stopping to fidget, get water, move things, shuffle around, etc. To stay on my mat, with my breath, and to move. It felt great. My legs were heavy, but the more I moved, the better everything felt.

The elusive "they" say it takes two weeks to make or break a habit. Today I think marks that two-week barrier for me. The full series is starting to feel really comfortable now. It flows, with and without the vinyasas, and I no longer need Swenson to keep me company. My mind is quieter, my breath longer, and my flight is almost there!

Also - I got into headstand today, keeping my knees bent, and was able to hold it for 20 BREATHS with only slight toe taps on the wall to occasionally recenter. It felt unbelievable.

Samskaras

2010-05-05T23:25:00.002-04:00

Today was no different than usual. Woke up tired, glared at my alarm clock wondering how we got to 6am when not even a blink ago it was 1am. Rolled out my mat, got some water, and got started. Then I realized the ceiling in my new spot was WAY too low for samastiti, unless I were to do it in utkatasana EVERY time (hard ass yoga, anyone?). So I moved my mat, got re-situated, and got started again. I worked my way through Surya A, noticing some aches and general tiredness, but nothing unexpected after the squat workout I did yesterday. I got into Surya B, and this is where my samskara lies strongest in practice.

I took my time with the first one, breathing deliberately, and taking extra breaths as necessary. It felt good. So I did the same for my second, third, fourth, and fifth. That was it! They were over. The part I dread most about getting on the mat are those B salutations. But today, it felt good. Instead of rushing through them and getting frustrated, I slowed it right down and took the time to get to know the sequence better. Paying attention to my transition from chaturanga to updog (still not JP-pretty), reaching my legs back to get my hips moving, taking an extra breath in warrior if I need it.

We talk about samskaras as habitual ignorance. Repeating the same patterns, expecting different results. A lot of mine have come up through this challege, both in and out of practice, and it has been interesting to watch them evolve and slowly slip away. I struggle with the 6am start to my day - I am a night-owl by nature - but knowing I have to get up to meet this challenge every morning has made me more motivated than ever to start shutting down before the sun starts coming up. There are sticky points in my practice that I am learning to accept and get to know - I keep thinking “keep your friends close, your enemies closer.” Those postures that challenge me and get my negotiator chattering are the ones I have been spending more time with (full bridge, I’m looking at you). Even outside this challenge, we all carry samskaras - things we do because we’ve always done them, or things we do because it seems to be the easiest way. Like any addiction (because, it really is just a mild addiction to a mindless habit), the first step is to recognize it and to be conscious of it.

Namaste!

Administrivia - I will continue to post here, and will also be posting at Pranalife. If you want to follow the group, head over there to check it out.

On Samskaras

2010-05-05T19:56:00.000-04:00

Namaste!

Bein' a dimmer... day 14(?)

2010-05-04T19:55:00.000-04:00

Just finished another great practice, and another learning experience. I took it gentle today, doing only the 45-minute short version in Swenson with a half-vinyasa flow. My body is SCREAMING for rest, so I’m trying to teach myself moderation. I thought I would feel cheated, or unsatisfied by skipping postures, since I’ve gotten really used to the full series, but instead, I feel really good. I feel like I’m finally starting to listen to my body, instead of just my brain. Sort of like moving with the breath - things just flow better. Knowing that I have this practice to return to EVERY morning, I feel so much freer to play with it, and try new things. I don’t have that guilt of “wasting” the posture by not pushing it to the max, on the contrary, I know the more I explore the posture, the more I will understand it and make peace with it (sleeping yogi - I’m looking at you.)

My Mom passed this on to me yesterday, so I wanted to share. They seem like great words to live by, and great messages to maybe pass along in class…

* People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
* If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
* If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
* If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
* What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
* If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
* The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
* Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
* In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

The version found written on the wall in Mother Teresa’s home for children.

Listening

2010-05-04T08:15:00.003-04:00

My body is screaming for rest. My neck is sore, ankles are worn out, my hips have been achy for days. I don't feel mentally tired - but physically, I feel like I could sleep for days. As such, getting on my mat today was a no-brainer, but what to do once I got there was a big question mark. At first, I was going to push through, get it done, and force my body to learn to recover. Then I thought - maybe I'll do my salutations, then do a seated meditation and pranayama work. I did my salutations - 5 A and 3 B, they felt alright, but tiiiired. I ended up grabbing Swenson, and working through the 45-min short series. It was exactly what I needed. It moved through almost all the main postures, working through the whole body, without the 3-4 variations of each.

As I sit here now, reflecting, the words of (again) Dr Stu McGill echo in my head, "be a dimmer, not a light switch." Moderation is not my strong point - but keeping up this daily practice is forcing me to face it. Some days, going all out just isn't available, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't even bother at all. It goes back to Satya - truthfullness - accepting that this is where I am today, so this is what I'm going to work with.

On a semi-related note, it has been interesting to notice just how much yoga translates off the mat. The more time I spend practicing yoga ON the mat, the more I notice myself practicing it OFF the mat. I don't think it comes from actually moving through the asanas themselves, but rather from setting aside that time, making the commitment, and living up to it. Its about putting into practice everything we've learned and studied in YTT.

As I said yesterday, I think, these two hours every morning are like having a head start in battle. Its a chance to clear off the battle field, mend the wounded, reload the guns, and reinforce the fort before the enemy is even out of bed.

Notes

2010-05-03T08:39:00.003-04:00

Today's practice started off with the words of the wise and wonderful Stu McGill echoing in my head. The most dangerous time for movement at the spine is first thing in the morning. I rolled out of bed late this morning, because 6 am is EARLY, and I'm not a morning person. As I got on my mat, I couldn't help but wish I'd gotten my butt out of bed just 30min earlier, to warm up a little. My practice is always a little stronger if I've been up for a bit first, so I'm going to prioritize this.

Had a good practice today. Thought of skipping a couple postures (marachyasana B and D among them), but ended up going back after A and C to put them in because it didn't feel right. Same with vinyasas. It just feels better when I do them at least periodically through the seated series. I really tried to stay with my breath again today. I'm noticing how short and almost violent my inhales are compared to my exhales.

One week

2010-05-02T09:08:00.003-04:00

Today marks one full week - seven days straight - of morning practice.

Getting to the mat this morning was a struggle. I was tired, sore, and cranky. My excuses generator kicked into high gear and started "lets just do the short version, or maybe just some salutations, you do need your rest, maybe that's why you're cranky." Like every other morning this week, I got on my mat. Worked through the salutations (lately my biggest hurdle in practice), and on my last surya B, I made that connection with my breath. It was incredible. I payed special attention to my inhale, which really is short, and just noticed it. I finally used my breath to move me through the series, rather than fighting with it. My whole practice felt so much more graceful and balanced. It just flowed. I was focused, breathing, and relaxed. Things seemed to melt away, and I was just doing. I think I'm finally starting to get it!

Namaste.

::Insert Asanawesomeness title here::

2010-05-01T19:54:00.000-04:00

Today was Day 1 of Mysore at Energi - I didn’t realize until later. I’ve been doing my own for a week or so now, and today was the first time in a long time, that I felt like I needed someone else around to help me just get through practice. I’m wondering if I just missed my group of awesome yoga buddies!

The whole practice was a struggle - critic, negotiator, slacker, even the jerk in the back was up this morning and they were all chattering away in my head. I’ve been finding a lot of strange emotional responses to yoga (and lifting) lately. I haven’t given them too much attention, just a “hmm, how interesting” but its starting to become clear just how much all this “being bendy moving your arms and legs around” yoga stuff brings up and makes you deal with your shit.

The first week was great. I felt great, it was exciting, I was reaching my simple (but not easy) goal of getting on the mat every morning. Rah! Then… the shiny wore off. My body got a little more tired. My neck and back sore. My hips are realigning. Its no longer just “novelty morning mysore yoga” - its starting to become part of a routine, part of life. Its a natural response - that second week of making or breaking any habit is usually the biggest hurdle. I know I have to push through it, learn from it, and later on I’ll be able to use it to my advantage. I suppose it comes back to Cope and Stone’s differing views on struggle. Is it necessary? Should we embrace it, endure it, or run from it? I’m thinking we use it.

The stronger I can make my practice now, when all the voices in my head are throwing out reasons for giving up, the stronger it’ll be in the long run, when any number of things will come up. This is where that commitment and dedication comes up. This is where I remind myself WHY I am getting my tired, sore body out of bed before the birds to unroll my mat, again, to practice. I am doing it for me. Because my mind and body need it. Because for TWO hours out of twenty four in a day, I have all the tools necessary to set life aside and just be. We might take it for granted, but thats a pretty powerful thing we all have now.

To anyone doing the yoga challenge: rock the mat! And seriously consider journaling. Its cool to go back, even just a week later, and see where you started. Another great journal is the practice itself - its unbelievable how much change happens in so little time with daily practice.

Namaste!

Habits

2010-05-01T10:22:00.003-04:00

So I forgot to blog again yesterday. Seems if I say I'll do it in the evening, or just later in the day, it doesn't happen. Best to do it right after practice so its fresh, and done. The buddy system has been working out really well for me. Its been great to have someone to hold me accountable, and to hold accountable for these mornings. Its not that I don't want to get on my mat (well, usually), its more the climbing out of a warm bed that gets me stuck.

Today was no exception. I was sore from head to toe and cranky from my head running all night. My mind was somewhere else, and meditating on infinity just wasn't sounding so enchanting. As my partner in crime said "Hey now, I've gotta be real. Life isn't always peachy and zen." As I was really struggling today, those words sort of stuck with me. Not every practice will be beautiful, graceful, and effortless. But I can't let a few mind blocks hang me up completely. Yoga is "99% Practice, 1% Theory" - Pattabhi Jois. So today, I practiced. I practiced getting shit OUT of my head and OFF my mat. I can deal with it later, or maybe it really isn't that important, and I won't deal with it at all.

Oh, this yoga thing is so much more than just moving arms and legs around. More on this later.

More steps...

2010-04-29T08:30:00.002-04:00

Looks like I've picked up a partner in crime for this challenge. I was a bit hesitant at first, since this now means its not just me working on this, and I'm working on her 6:30am suggestion (?!!). But after rolling my sleepy ass out of bed this morning to get on my mat for 6:30, I can see this being a really good thing. Its not just more of a commitment, its an added element of support and motivation to get going.

I'm really getting the hang of the primary series. I still need to double check the book on a couple things - just in seated series now - but for the most part, I'm working without it. Although I haven't taught in a while, I'm feeling much more confident just getting on the mat and leading a class, knowing that I always have that series to fall back on. The postures are starting to feel more natural, and less contrived and pretzel-y. Even Trikonasana!

Knowing that I'm coming back to the same series every morning gives me a sense of freedom to play around with postures, working on specific little things like my feet, or internal/external rotation, etc to see if I can work into it a little deeper without feeling like I'm "wasting" the posture this time. It'll be there again tomorrow to try out the same if it worked, or something new if it didn't.

In other news: I got into my first full headstand yesterday. It was incredible. A lot of yogis will encourage students to "trust the yoga" and that "yoga works" - well it does. But so does having a kick ass yoga teacher. Someone who believes in teaching it right, and letting it work out, rather than shortcutting to get the posture to look like what it's supposed to with no thought to form or process. So Asia, thanks again!

Meditation on Meditations OFF the Mat

2010-04-28T22:28:00.004-04:00

It dawned on me the other day, as I was on my way to the swings, that I have been meditating for years. Not in the traditional sense of a quiet, seated, intentional meditation, but in my own way. I have spent countless hours on a swing set, my wall, or laying on my bed with my head resting out the window watching stars move. As a person who strongly believes in chaos and living a messy life, even I had my limits. When life got too crazy, I'd check out. Walk to the park and hop on a swing, or my wall, or if it was late, I'd just hang my head out the window and watch the universe slowly roll by. I'd let my brain off it's tracks and let it spin freely.

In what is possibly my favorite yogi quote, Rolf Gates says that meditation is like locking yourself in a closet with a lunatic. Well, a lot of the time, my life felt like being locked in a closet with that lunatic, and meditation was like unlocking that door and letting the crazy escape for a little while. I was free to let thoughts come and go, or to space out completely and lose all concept of words and time.

I was never focused on breath, or sitting or laying still, or on tuning out the sights and sounds around me. It all happened naturally. Loud, angry music would be blaring, and I'd barely hear it - save for the base line pounding through me. They were far from your typical quiet, seated meditation, but did they ever work.

It makes me wonder. I can't be the only one to have done this. Most people out there are probably meditating in their own way, too. Runners when they find their pace and are just cruising, sailors when the sails are set just right to the wind, lifters when they hit that groove where its just breathe in, lift, breathe out, repeat. I'm sure we all do it, somehow, somewhere. And yet - why is meditation still so scary and mysterious? Its as though, the instant we put a label on it, formalizing it into something definable, we lose people. You want me to do what? Sit still and just be? Why? Forget it. I have things to do. Kids in soccer, bills to pay, groceries to do.... anything but stay here with my thoughts. I'm too busy.

I'm not sure where this leads to in teaching and coaching meditation, but its a question I've been toying with for some time. So my question to you - do you meditate?

Oops!

2010-04-28T13:07:00.003-04:00

Completely forgot to post last night. I've had this Meditations on Meditation / Meditation OFF the Mat idea kicking around in my head that I was going to post on, but, well, forgot. I'll get it up tonight.

Great practice yesterday. I did not do lotus for any postures, as my knees were sore - a little bit of lotus overkill from Monday - oops! I've been adding in more vinyasas, so I'm almost up to a half-vinyasa practice now. I will work into a full soon, if even just to try it for a week or so. I am coming into head stand now - with the help of a wall. Its incredible to think that I can now do this with relative ease, when just a year ago, my legs felt chained to the floor.

Today was another enlightening practice. I came to the top of my mat with quads filled with lead. I figured I'd try to get through some salutations and see where it lead to. My salutations have actually never felt stronger. Worked through the rest of practice, including some unilateral lotus back in, just to keep it up. I'm really starting to enjoy it, and might, someday, reach that point of meditating on infinity ;-). Even postures I struggle with, like full bridge, are now just postures. They're impermanent - flow in, flow out - breathe in, breathe out.

Falling

2010-04-26T09:26:00.003-04:00

So I fell off the wagon this weekend. Excuses came up, and I caved. Didn't practice yesterday, though I was not totally yoga free, as I went to a gentle, almost restorative class. But I'm still pissed. I knew it would happen, it always does. Weekends tend to be my weak point, when I don't have that set schedule and routine to keep me on track. Knowing this, I need to get better at working around it and preparing for it.

Had a fantastic practice this morning. I worked through a couple more postures, and did a maybe-quarter vinyasa flow. Started off creaky and stiff, but now that I'm done, I'm pleasantly tired and relaxed. I still feel like I'm grinding through the salutations, but its all part of the process. Have to get over that mental block of thinking I hate them.

Day 5

2010-04-24T23:41:00.002-04:00

A frustrating practice, if I can even call it that. Didn't practice this morning, so I didn't get on my mat until late tonight - once my head was full of things to debate, distract, and destroy any hope for peace and focus. I barely made it through some salutations before rolling into savasana. I know there are times to grind through something, to do it and push past the momentum, but today, this was my practice. It is not the 2hr full primary I was hoping for, but that is life. From now on, unless all hell breaks lose, I will be doing my practice in the morning, when my brain is sleepy and docile.

Get back up

2010-04-23T08:26:00.002-04:00

Key lesson today: wake up! And I did :-)

Woke up at 6a, so I would have time to practice before heading out for the day. I only really did about an hour, but it felt good. Eased up a lot of my aches and soreness, and shook away the morning groggy.

I also tested out some tricks that caught my eye from Greggor Maele's Ashtanga book, and got deeper into a couple postures.

So far so good!
YTT exam today. Gotta rock the teaching mat too.

Just get on the mat

2010-04-22T14:23:00.003-04:00

Turns out, body wanted a full practice. Surya B-style vinyasa's thrown into the standing series and all. And a deep savasana.

Just goes to show, its always worth it to get on the mat and see where it takes you.

Stumbling.

2010-04-22T12:27:00.002-04:00

Day Three. Woot. And OW!

So, I've reached that point where my brain's saying "yeah, lets do this!" and my body is going "hold on... OW! Didn't we do this yesterday, and the day before, and the day before and.... what the hell?" Though I should preface. Not only have I taken on this task of full primary every day for at least 30 days - hopefully much, much longer, but I have also taken up regular gym training again, and thrown in some yoga classes to keep things interesting. My body is... exhausted. For the last 4 days I've put in at least 3 hours of vigorous physical activity each day. This just might explain why I've been so tired. It feels good, and I want to keep it up, but like we always teach - I also need to listen to my body.

I know once I get moving and warmed up, I'll feel a lot better. I am not chickening out of my practice, but I am recognizing that I may need to ease up a bit. Today will be a free practice, stepping away from the primary series and just doing what feels right.

Second steps

2010-04-21T12:51:00.002-04:00

Today, Captain Critic showed up to practice with me. I'm not talking about my exboyfriend, but instead about that little voice in my head. Ironically, they sound very similar, nevertheless, she was there to remind me it was hard, I was dropping my shoulder in chaturanga, I wasn't getting that flight, whatever. I was almost happy she was there, so I could practice "how interesting" before getting to sivasana where I usually struggle the most.

Did the full series today, I even added in a few vinyasas to work out the kinks and get used to having them in there. I did skip a couple postures, but included quite a few I had skipped yesterday. I'm giving myself to work with the book open, after that I'm hoping to be on my own. The better I know the series, the more confident I'll be as a teacher, and the more able I'll be to take yoga anywhere.

I worked into headstand today. Got my hips over shoulders and feet completely off the ground so my knees were hovering. Then I chickened out. BUT: I think I can totally rock this pose by the end of this if I keep at it. I'm so close!

First steps

2010-04-20T23:48:00.003-04:00

I stayed with my breath through nearly the whole practice. Its amazing how different it feels to move with the breath, letting each inhale and exhale dictate the next movement. I still struggle during Surya B to get from forward fold to the floor and more so from updog to warrior A in a single exhale. I just run out of air. I'm working through it, for the whole practice, lengthening the exhale and inhale to allow for more time.

I did notice, however, that my breath is getting significantly longer than what it used to be. Was in a Hatha class today and found myself counting 3 breaths to their 5. It was new, since I'm usually counting 7, 8 or 9 to the Ashtangi's 5.

Didn't make it through the full primary, I ran out of time, but I did go through the whole standing series, and only picked out a few of the seated and finishing to skip. I can't wait to regularly be able to do either the full or half-vinyasa.

Restorative

2010-04-19T23:23:00.004-04:00

Yoga today was an adventure. A fairly random chain of events led me to take a restorative yoga class at a new, struggling studio. I was a bit hesitant at first, digging up old excuses of being tired, it being late, you name it. But I did it anyways, and I'm so glad I did! It was a great chance to leap out of my comfort zone, and to just practice without looking for cues I could steal or interesting transitions. I was just there on my mat. I have to be honest though, there were times when my little YTT know-it-all would creep in and have a few words to say about teaching style or postures, etc, but I did my best to keep her distracted.

As a class, it was great. Very mellow, a big change from the typical Ashtanga style. The best way I could describe it would be a short slow-moving posture series followed by a sequence of postured sivasanas.

I will not have a personal practice today, because I put it off all day. I am intentionally not staying up to do it, to learn from it. I now have to hit every day until next week to meet my 6/week goal. I'm hoping this will start to get me into the habit of getting things done NOW, rather than continually leaving them for "later." I'm thinking morning practice might be better, it's such a great way to face the day, too.

A Commitment: Talking the talk AND walking the walk

2010-04-19T19:54:00.000-04:00

I am re-instating my old personal blog Cook.Lift.Study. I am doing it publicly to hold myself further accountable, and so I can have friends and family in on it, too.

I am comitting to 30 days of daily personal practice. I will blog about these on the site above.

I will also blog here weekly.

Yoga has already changed so much of my perspective and approach to life, yet I’m starting to feel lost in its momentum, again. Rather than be overwhelmed by it, I intend to channel this energy and direct it to some finite goals. Anyone else up for the challenge?

Walking the Walk

2010-04-19T00:45:00.003-04:00

I teach yoga. I preach yoga. I study yoga. I read yoga. I love yoga. I practice yoga. Sometimes. Disconnect.

There was a time, starting about 10 years ago, when I would swim. Ever day after school. Every. Single. Day. No matter what. Then I stopped swimming. I started going to the gym. Every day after school. Every. Single. Day. Rain, shine, sick, tired, essays, exams, homework, didn't matter. I would go. It wasn't a question, there was no debate. It just was. Then I moved, went to university, got a job, found a boyfriend, and made excuses. It felt like the box I'd packed my determination and dedication into got left behind. Also packed in there was my sense of self and a handful of other important things. Up until recently, I'd been feeling lost. I tried blaming my Dad, the school, his job, my boyfriend, my stepmom, depression, the country, you name it. But truth is - none of that blaming fixed it.

Fast forward to last year and I found yoga, and Asia. It was hard, but it felt good. I had made the financial commitment to eight classes, so I showed up. There were days I cried on my way to class, not wanting to go, for no distinguishable reason. I went anyways. It was an hour and fifteen minutes of someone else moving me, telling me what to do and when to breathe. I could shut off. I signed up for two classes the following semester. Then I did YTT1.

I guess I caught the yoga bug, but something was working. I met all these new, incredible people who share the same passions I do, and made some amazing friends. After, well, during YTT1, I had a breakdown, or twelve. Life sucked. I was stressed, exhausted, sick, depressed, you name it. Overbooked and under-slept. I just physically and mentally couldn't. And yet, I wrote and passed the exam, taught my mandatory classes, and got my certification. I taught a few classes here and there, and fell in love. Then I did YTT2.

So here I am. Night after the last 10-hr yoga day. Taught my last required class. And I'm exhausted. But I'm here to make a commitment. Because if I'm going to talk the yoga talk, I need to walk the yoga walk.

I, Suz, will do a daily yoga practice at least 6 days each week for the next 30 days. This does not include classes I take - they will be extras. I will blog about this, daily.

Stay tuned! -lift-

Teeth-brushing

2009-11-01T22:29:00.003-05:00

How much effort will you put into deciding whether or not you'll brush your teeth tonight? How much went into the decision this morning as you got out of bed? If you're anything like me, not very much. Its something we do out of habit, with out continually questioning whether we feel up for it, have those 3 minutes, or if we think we did a good enough job yesterday to cover it for today. You wake up, you brush your teeth, you go about your day, you brush your teeth, you go to bed. Every day.

Where am I going with this? Not a lecture about oral hygiene - I'll leave that to your dentist. The point I want to make has to do with lifestyle changes - training, yoga, cooking, sleeping, taking care of YOURSELF. This analogy came to me today from Asia in our Yoga Teacher Training course, and it struck a chord. Why is it that with something like brushing our teeth, we are able to simply set aside the time necessary to complete the task twice a day without hesitation, and yet when it comes to say a daily yoga or training practice, we debate it every single time. We allow the excuses flood in and create this ever-deepening sea of negotiations we have to wade through every time the task arises.

How many times do you find yourself negotiating and convincing yourself out of training - you're still a little sore, you might be getting sick, you have a meeting tomorrow, you didn't eat well, you're a little tired, you're not up for a full workout, you trained yesterday, you have other things to do, and the list goes on. We can, and sometimes do, spend hours each day convincing ourselves NOT to do something we know we'll feel better for doing. What if instead of debating this, we just got under the bar or on the mat. What if we simply started, taking any question of the action. Make it just something you do. Like brushing your teeth every morning and night.

I am the Queen-Bee of planning my life out down to the fifteen-minute segment, figuring out what I'll be eating for each meal every day of the week, when I'll eat, sleep, train, study, read, shower, you name it. Sounds fantastic, but it never plays out. Life as a student simply doesn't allow for this sort of planning as no two weeks are even similar. Hell, life period doesn't lend itself well to this sort of planning. Lets face it - shit happens. What I have found is that the less I "plan" to train, eat, or cook, and the more I just DO, the more consistent my efforts are and the more rewarded I am with my results. By taking the thought, anxiety and debate out of the action, I make it possible for it to just flow. So I don't feel up for a heavy squat workout today, alright - lets work on form instead. As long as I show up and get my butt under that bar, that's what matters. Sooner or later, I'll be looking forward to that next workout, yoga series or run instead of talking myself out of doing it in the days leading up to it.

Finding a consistent time or situation (first thing in the morning, after class/work, before bed, whatever), every day, to fit these activities in has been most effective for me. It helps to make it a non-negotiable habit by ingraining it as just something you do - like brushing your teeth. Eventually, there is little thought dedicated to whether or not you should pack your mat or shoes - you just do. This ties into my mantra-in-progress of --lift-- (life is f*ing tough). Its this idea of acknowledging life's challenges and lifting - getting stronger, being active and proactive, of dealing with it and moving on. Nike said it with "Just do it" and the Trailer Park Boys will tell you to "git 'er done," the message is the same. Suck it up, do what you've gotta do, and move on to the next.

Nuts!

2009-10-04T18:01:00.004-04:00

In the spirit of trying to blog more frequently, today's post will be a quick one. Just a simple recipe to spice up a delicious, extremely healthy, and portable snack.

Warning: Food geek speak ahead. Nuts and seeds are often cited as excellent sources of poly- and mono-unsaturated fats, which they are, providing us with tons of heart-healthy fats along with a good dose of fiber and a nice boost of protein. They are also, and less commonly credited for, great sources of trace minerals and vitamins we don't otherwise get enough of. These include vitamin E, folate, magnesium, selenium, iron and manganese.

Tamari is a type of soy sauce, and is easy to find in GF forms. It is a little more subtle than most soy sauces - I find it to be less salty and more flavorful. These tamari almonds work their magic in my usual nut mix, adding a little salt and a ton of flavor. While nuts are an extremely healthy food, be careful as the calories do add up in a hurry!
Tamari Almonds

2c Raw Almonds
1/4c Tamari
pinch Salt

Preheat oven to 275F. In a small bowl, toss the almonds with the tamari sauce and salt. Spread them in a single layer on a baking sheet and bake for 30 min or so, stirring occasionally. You want the almonds to be dry but not burnt. Remove from oven and let cool completely before storing. Enjoy!

My Nut Mix
Mix in equal parts of:

Hulled Pumpkin seeds (roasted or raw, unsalted)
Hulled Sunflower Seeds (roasted, salted)
Cashews (roasted, unsalted)
Walnut Pieces
Almonds (you can go for flavors here, such as tamari or any others you can find)

Breakdown: 1oz of this nut mix is 162cal, 6g Protein, 6g Carbs, 14g Fat